> Be me, 23
> Live in Pennsylvania
> My friend does these civil war reenactments, he decides one day last week to invite me to one
> Let's call him Chad
> Chad picks me up earlier and we start driving to the reinactment
> He has an extra uniform for me, fits ok
> We get there and he says "Yo, take this" and he hands me some sort of pill to take
> Says that he takes these and it makes it so much more fun
> The individual regiments form up, we're some Ohio Regiment and I am told I am not a casualty
At this point things begin to get blurry as the pill kicks in
> We start marching out, I am sweating horribly and im super nervous
> We get in "range" of the enemy and everyone starts to open fire. I have no idea how to reload this shit and I start just fumbling with the musket
> All the sudden I see Chad fall down and he is screaming
> I have no idea what is going on because of the drugs, and I start screaming trying to pick him up
> I really think that Chad is dead and I start crying
> Supposedly I screamed something about mother telling me to protect him and that I didn't know it would end this way
> People around me all super confused
> The regiment continues fire and Chad begins to speak to me to calm me down
> "What the fuck dude"
> Im so amazed and in disbelief he is alive
> I start crying tears of joy saying that I thought he was a goner
> People around me still confused as fuck
> Some fat black guy pulls me up and says to get back into formation and we then begin moving out
> After the event I am given a shout-out for dedication
>be me
>be 15
>freshman
>have accelerated italian class
>teacher is a total bitch
>constantly skips me in class
>makes fun of me constantly
>decide to get revenge
>has a weekly online task we have to do
>just have to answer questions online
>anyone can get on it if they have the address and password
>thisisit.png
>go on to fagchan
>post web address and password
>cancerfest inbound
>go to sleep
>wakeupthenext day
>check the site
>the page has 30 comments
>all the names for the comments are fag, nigger, d.trump, etc
>success.gif
>stay out of school next day
>next day, wake up with alert on phone
>im signed up for alerts for my classes
>"Custom Message from Mrs. Bitch"
>explaining how the site got hacked by the 4chan crew
>says they're "infamous hackers"
>winner winner chicken dinner
>First day at my school for J (other downy kid in my year)
>I'm only around 8 years old at the time
>its the afternoon and almost 'home time'
>im sitting at my desk
>downy has been put into 'time out' near my desk for some reason
>think he was attacking people or trying to molest them earlier that day
>I hear him making some fucked up downy mouth noise
>he does this ALL the time, constant
>look down at him
>blank expression
>i look down at his crotch
>huge fucking wet patch, like massive
>look back at him
>huge shit eating grin appears on his face
>i tell the teacher
>he gets sent off with two other kids from my class to go get changed in the boys toilets
>they escort him
>he has a huge fucking wet patch on his arse too, fucking jesus
>some time passes by
>teacher looks for a couple people to go check up on them
>i dont' pass up on the opportunity as im a keen observer of tard behavior
>i head down to the boys toilets with my best bud
>other two kids are standing outside the bathrooms
>ask them what's happening
>they just keep telling me "dont go in there"
>i go in there
>its dead silent, no one else around
>look around and see his completely soiled clothing articles lain about
>underpants drenched with piss and loaded up with bits of shit
>oh my word
>"J, you there?"
>repeat a couple times
>loud as fuck tard screech
>"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
>"GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
>jet out of there fast as I can
>tell the others what I saw
>we all decided to investigate
>we huddle around the cubicle the downy is occupying
>he lets out another tard screech, although not as loud this time
>"BAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"
>starts kicking his own door
>eventually opens up
>holding a bag of pants soiled clothes
>starts swinging it at us wildly
>hits one of the other kids
>we all leave
>teacher finally rocks up
>it's over
>day fucking one
>Be me
>14 year old autistic furfag
>straight
>wants to ejaculate for first time.
>looks up "furry porn flash games"
>forgets incognito mode
>plays for a while some crappy games. 4/10s because barely anything good for me and it's all timing based.
>doesn't ejaculate.
>feels let down.
>whatever.jpg
>goes to sleep
>running computer scan overnight because downloaded some bad shit from a torrent
>wakes up.
>Walks to living room
>Parents looking at me upset.
>Confused
>Have breakfast and they show me a picture of browser history.
>Realize I forgot to make it shut off after virus scan
>I know I'm fucked.
>don't say anything because antisocial kinda fat autist.
>They don't say anything
>goes throughout day normally.
>never mentioned again.
>go back to bedroom.
>Don't go back out.
>Next day
>tell parents I'm a furfaggot.
>They treat me like I'm hurler summoning Satan.
>we have 2 dogs.
>they show me one of my dogs asses and tell me if I get off to it.
>I say "no"
>They deny it
>goes to church that night. (Am Catholic faggot)
>forced to go to confession
>Tell altar server friend before going into confessional (one of my best friends to this day to be honest) that my parents think I'm a zoophiliac
>He thinks that's fucked up even when he knows I'm a furfag
>Friend says "anon, I'm a bit of a furry too."
>intrigue
>we organize a fap meeting once a month
>we fap to furry porn
>Still do it to this day but less often
>Still both straight
>Still both furfaggots
>pic unrelated
>I was only 9 years old
>I loved Russel Coight so much, I had all the merchandise and dvds
>I pray to Russel Coight night before bed, thanking him for the life I’ve been given
>"Russel Coight is love" I say; “Russel Coight is life”
>My dad hears me and calls me a faggot
>I know he was just jealous of my devotion for Russel Coight
>I called him a cunt
>He slaps me and sends me to go to sleep
>I’m crying now, and my face hurts
>I lay in bed and it’s really cold
>Suddenly, a warmth is moving towards me
>It’s Russel Coight
>I am so happy
>He whispers into my ear “This is my outback.”
>He grabs me with his powerful blistered hands and puts me down onto my hands and knees
>I’m ready
>I spread my ass-cheeks for Russel Coight
>He penetrates my butt-hole
>It hurts so much but I do it for Russel Coight
>I can feel my butt tearing as my eyes start to water
>I push against his force
>I want to please Russel Coight
>He roars in a mighty roar as he fills my butt with his love
>My dad walks in
>Russel Coight looks him straight in the eyes and says “Time to hit the road.”
>Russel Coight trips and falls through my window
>Russel Coight is love. Russel Coight is life.
>take a nap in the middle of the day
>wake up feeling fresher than 90's will smith
>holy shit I smell something
>smells like cake
>can't get any harder
>rush to the kitchen
>scent is getting stronger
>holy shit my dad made chocolate cake
>smells like betty Crocker was milfing around
>dad tells me I could have a bite
>my mouth is watery like that off brand chef boy rd
>fuk
>it tastes so good
>can't help scarfing down half of the cake
>dad says I could have as much as I want.
>Down the whole cake
>start going to my room
>dad says "wait there is more!"
>pulls out three more cakes
>"dad how much did this fucking cost."
>"about 3 easy payments of 19.99"
>fuck dude... My dad Is Billy mayes.
>poisoned the cakes with oxiclean
>my casket is lined with George foreman grills and oxiclean
>"but wait there is more!"
>dad throws 99 pennies and 19 singles into my casket
>playing some call of dooties tree
>my belly starts to rumble
>"Mommy I need some Tendieeeeeessss."
>"Anon, for the last time, you're on a diet and can't have fried food!"
>"But momeeeeeee! I have enough GBPeeeee!!"
>no response
>wait a few minutes
>Hear the "bump bump" of mommy walking down the stairs
>a tray slides through my flap-flap on my basement door
>mommy had it installed because "she couldn't bear seeing me"
>remove the neck of my poop jug from my anus
>been sitting on my poop jug as a chair all day
>it makes my peepee feel tingly
>wobble over my bedroom door
>look at the tray
>so taken aback by the horror on my tray that I fall over
>THE BITCH MADE ME GRILLED TENDERS
>grab my hulk fists and start yelling "IM.... ANGRY"
>"ANON SMASH!"
>just like my hero, saitama, knock the basement door off of it's hinges in one punch
>start hobbling up the stairs
>have to stop on the 5th step because exhausted
>take a nap on the stairs for about 30 minutes
>continue making my journey up the last 3 steps
>get to the top, reminds me of rocky
>roll up to mommy, poopy butt leaving trails on the carpet
>"hello anon how were your tend-"
>roll straight into her legs, knocking her to the ground
>"MOMMY FAILED TO COMPLY, NOW SHE ten-DIES"
>Start rolling on her like a steamroller
>hear her bones cracking from my beautiful curves
>"ANON NO PLEASE STOP!"
>activate "Muddy Lemonade" protocol
>start pissing and shitting as i roll over her
>"ANON ILL MAKE YOU TENDIES JUST PLEASE STOP!"
>I halt
>she crawls to the kitchen her broken legs dragging behind her
>see her put some tic-tacs out of an orange bottle into the milk for the breading
>I hate mint flavor
>slither up behind her like a snake that has just eaten a elephant whole
>"PUT MINTS IN MY TENDIES, YOUR SPINE GOES BENDY"
>get mommy's head and bend it backwards so the back touches her butt
>she's limp
>have peepee fun friction time with her mouth
>roll back to basement and start playing CSGO
>be me
>about half a year ago
>be in same class as hot girl
>hot girl throws house party at the end of the schoolyear
>everyone gets super wasted, suddenly hot girl takes me into upstairs bedroom
>undresses and throws me onto bed
>mfw
>start having hardcore drunken sex like animals
>loud moaning very sweaty and beer everywhere
>feelsgood.jpg
>suddenly feel a disturbance in the force
>too late
>girl has crash landing on dick the japs would be jealous of
>dick snaps
>feelsbad.jpg
>start screaming in pain
>run downstairs to find ice for cooldown
>no icecubes, just frozen vanilla flavoured cowsmoothie
>apply broken dick onto frozen delight
>pure bliss
>turn around to sit down
>whole party stares at me, music still playing
>sexy and i know it.mp3
>try to remove frozen dairy dumbell from dick
>bent dick stuck because saliva from hot girl
>panic strikes
>run through the crowd to get pants from upstairs
>fuck it just run for the hills
>get home
>just dad, no other witnesses
>dad takes me to hospital
>not lethal so anon survives
>swear a bloodoath never to tell anyone
next schoolyear starts
i have a twin brother, forgot to mention
>story seems to have spread
>brother acts weird
>ask why
>everyone yells at him for no reason
>they yell folding-dick fred
>fuckno
>realise what up
>can't do anything because scared
>situation gets worse after every week that passes
last weekend shit got dense
>brother can't take it anymore
>turns out the hot girl meant to invite brother because he was the cool one
dad figured out everything so hes taking all of my internet away
>Wednesday afternoon
>tugging it to Nick Jr all day long
>Finish squeezing big boy gooey gunk from my winker
>Mumsies comes home from work
>Poo poo in my diapie due to excitement
>Earned 70 good boy points earlier today by promising not to empty my piss bottles on mumsie's bed while she was at work
>Expect delicious tendies immediately
>Squat walk downstairs with full diaper of excitement
>No good smell
>Mumsie looks upset
>Anon you're 43, I talked with a friend about getting you a job
>Fucking normie mom
>Remove my shit filled diaper and wield it like a sling
>IM A GOD BOY I HAVE GOOD BOY POINTS GIVE ME CHICKEN TENDIES
>Anon please..
>IM DAVIE YOURE GOLIATH
>Swing my shit sling at her
>Diaper falls apart and flings wet sloppy big boy chocolate all over the room
>Ring of fecies whips her in the eye and she falls do the ground recoiling and grabbing her face
>Slap her open handed and squat over her face
>YOUR LACK OF TENDIES SEALS YOUR DOOM, I LOOSE MY BOWELS WITH A BOOM!
>Queue a huge wet fart bubble followed by a mexican mudslide in the rainy season
>Literally pours over her face like a generous helping of tendie chilli
>She wipes it off her face and tries to gasp for air
>Quickly plug her shit covered mouth with my big boy weenie peenie
>GIVE ME EXTRA GOOD BOY POINTS OR ELSE ILL CHOKE YOU MUMSIE
>She spasms and mumbles what might be a yes
>waddle back to my room and play some XBox One
>Serves me tendies later while sobbing and promises to give me lots of good boy points
>mfw I put that bitch in her place
>be me, years ago
>freshman in hs
>school has an unusually large tard population
>one tard, we'll call him lance, was very different from the other tards
>no one really knew how old he was, just that he was in his 20's and we had no idea wtf he was still doing at school
>Lance fully believed he was a police officer
>has plastic badge pinned to his shirt
>shirt has "SHERIFF" written on the back in sharpie
>ff a couple hours
>have to share the gym with tards in third period
>other tards stick to their side of the gym, throwing balls at each other's heads, or whatever the fuck tards do
>enter Lance
>lance has snobby attitude, and is constantly glued to the tard wranglers side until he has to "make an arrest"
>just chilling with my friends, walking laps around the gym
>lance stands in the corner with the wrangler, silently observing, waiting to make his move against the tyranny of 9th graders
>Lance picks his target and starts moving in
>target is 8/10 qt3.14 standing and gossiping with other lil bitches
>lance is always arresting her, but we assumed it was some creepy crush type deal he had for her
>while he's pretending to take the girl into custody, a jock guy decides to throw a basketball at his head
>devastatingimpact.exe
>lance collapses, lands face first, doesn't move
>gym is so quiet you could hear a mouse fart, everyone watching
>jock (let's call him Garrett) tries to play it off like an accident
>"oh shit my bad, dude!"
>hear lance start to hyperventilate while still face down
>like a bolt of lightning, lance is on his feet
>glaring at the Garrett with the hatred and spite of a thousand holocaust survivors
>grabs his police radio (a broken Nokia the wrangler gave him) and starts yelling into it in tard speak
>all I can decipher is "BRACKRUP, I NAED BRACKRUP" followed by more tard gibberish
>Lance drops his Nokia on the floor, and full on charges Garrett
>Garrett stands there in horror as this misshapen bulb of tard rushes towards him
>braces himself, but the brute force of the tard collision knocks him to the ground
>lance is now trying his best to push garrets arms and legs away so he can position himself on top of him
>so he can "arrest" him
>everyone just standing and watching in shock as this raging tard struggles to straddle a terrified, flailing teenager
>wrangler can't separate the two, shits like a dog fight
>Garret gets fed up and lands a solid punch into lances jaw
>outcold.jpg
>watch as Garrett struggles to push limp tard body off of him
>wrangler loses her shit, going on and on about how she's pressing charges on Garrett
>principle and police called, got to go to the science room and watch TV for the rest of the period
>never saw Garrett again, his friends said his mom made him transfer
>mfw lance still patrols the halls of my school
>Be me
>14 year old, beta faggot
>Typical greentext protagonist, you all know how this goes
>Except
>Love the Air Bud series
>Favorite movie, have all 5 original movies plus the "Air Buddies" movies on VHS
>Posters of Kevin Zegers all over my room
>One Day
>Meet girl at school
>She's pretty cool and decently attractive
>instantly fall in love
>We start talking
>Movies come up in one discussion
>"Oh yeah, if you like you can come over and we can watch my favorite movie"
>Keep it a secret because I think it's cool to be mysterious
>"Sure, Anon, I'd love that!"
>ohshitreally.jpg
>We set up a date
>She comes over
>"Hi Anon...Oops!"
>She Tripped over my Air-Bud light-up sneakers from Wal-Mart as she walks in the door
>I left them there as a hint
>Show her around
>She seems happy at first, but soon quiets down after seeing all my memorabilia, including my Air-Bud promotional breakfast cereal and my Kevin Zegers action figure collection
>She sighs when she sees my original "K-9" Jersey
>assume it is a sigh of passion
>After the tour, I ask "So can you guess my favorite movie?"
>"Is it...Air Bud?"
>"Hey, that's right! You win! I guess I've got to give you a prize now!"
>"Yay...What is it?"
>Almost say "A Kiss"
>Pussy out
>Give her a mint-condition action figure of the skateboarding monkey from Air Bud 2
>She leaves
>Air Bud marathon
>be me
>be first day of high school
>mom is dropping me off today
>she gets my rolling backpack full of fruit snacks out of the trunk
>"are you sure you'll be okay here anon?"
>"yes mommy i am fucking fine"
>have one thing on my mind
>barely make it to the classroom before collapse in desk
>health class
>skinny fucking normies are staring at me
>obviously never played WoW
>next few classes breeze by
>finally lunch time
>shove my way through the line
>something smells familiar
>tendies
>holy fuck i cant waddle fast enough as the line moves forward
>lunch lady says "hi sweetie what would you like?"
>"how many good boy points do tendies cost, slut?"
>"excuse me, what did you call me? and what are good boy points?"
>ignore cumdumpster
>i grab 5 trays of tendies and huff to the condiment station
>grab 10 containers of ranch
>take 3 bottles of coke and guzzle one on the way to lay down
>lay on floor
>i eat one tray of tendies and i get the urge to pee pee and poo poo
>piss in coke bottle and shit in the tendie tray
>entire lunch room is staring at me
>jaws dropped
>i fucking hate normies
>principal sprints over and yells at me
>"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
>he leaves for help
>shove the remaining tendies in my pockets and guzzle down my cokes
>principal and football coaches return and slowly hoist me up
>it took 5 of them
>poo poo the most ever in my life all over the principals shoes
>maintenance brings a golf cart with a bed on it to drive me to the office
>parked outside because they don't want to even try to bring me inside
>obviously normie principal tells me how disgusting i am
>i'm expelled from school and he calls my mom
>mom shows up furious and takes me home
>in the car she tells me
>"anon, I am taking away 500 GBP"
>"but i only have 100 right now you dumb whore"
>"so now you have -400 GBP"
>fucking cunt
>we get home and she sends me to my room
>mfw more tendies in my pocket than i could have gotten in one week
>great success
