>be 15
>in love with my best friend 17f
>go on beach trip with a bunch of friends
>she is laying on towel ass up
>she says "anon I need someone to cuddle with come over here"
>freak out but go over
>dunno how to cuddle, so I kinda lay half on top of her, across her
>uhadtobethere.jpeg
>she freaks out and yells get off
>get off
>she says what the fuck anon
>"what did u think I was gonna rape you?"
>literally
>she says anon just stop here
>get ready for autism
>"cuz I was planning on it"
>???
>profit
>literally my best friend
>used to go to her house everyday and text 24/7
>relationship ruined in one second
>was just trying to joke to lighten the mood
>she says "anon I don't think we should talk for a few weeks"
>rest of beach trip super awkward
>worst part was she had liked me the whole time
>labor day in the US
>barbecue at friend's house
>about 20 guests total, choice between ssb4 and pool
>girls choose pool, guys choose vidya
>set up game so loser rotates out, 3 stocks each
>just before I can get on girls realize they aren't being fawned over and come inside
>"lol let us play too! :3"
>boyfriends have no choice to agree
>my turn finally arrives, load up as ganondorf
>win (obviously)
>loser rotates out, girl 1 comes on
>choke a bitch with side-B suicide finisher
>"omg no fair!! :("
>g2 rotates in
>repeat the process of handling the drones and then killing the girl
>none of the boys want to kill the girls because they won't get laid
>about a half an hour goes by until the next guy comes on
>everyone charges at me since I've been taking first this whole time
>fuck their shit nigger-fighting up with tilts and meteors for days (dat hitbox doe)
>girl's turn to rotate in
>she tells her boyfriend she's tired and wants to go home
>every other girl follows suit
>five minutes later only me, the host, and another guy are left
>other guy awkwardly leaves
>host's phone is vibrating like crazy from text messages from the guys who left
>host tells me that I'm banned from playing ssb4 and kicks me out
>mfw
>Be me
>Living in a post-nuclear-war Mojave in Nivada at a small settlement
>Doc up the hill fixes some mail man who got his face blown apart
>Mail man comes into my shop
>He has no visible scars even though I swear to God he had his head blown apart
>Talks to me, and cuts me off every time I start a sentence
>He sells all of his shit to me
>I go from general goods store owner to cookwear and medical gear owner
>He crouches just out of sight and suddenly my things are gone
>He leaves and goes off into town
>In comes a few hours later is the Mail Man asking about borrowing the goods he just bought from me for a fight against the powder gangers
>whattheactualfuck.png
>As talking to me he cuts me off again every time I try to talk
>After not saying anything and cutting me off he some how conveniences me to lend him everything weapon wise I own
>He rallied the entire town to fight a group of powder gangers
>We win with lots of people dead from our town
>This Mail Man is a fucking lunatic
>No battle wounds or expression on his face as he just slaughtered and entire group of Powder Gangers
>He takes caps from Sunny and Trudy and leaves to never be seen again
>Thank god he's gone
>Waiting to assault the legion controlled camp, Nelson
>Lieutenant comes running up with some guy i've never seen before
>Everyone is getting ready
>Suddenly the stranger starts taking more drugs than i have ever seen in my life, all while keeping a completely blank stare
>Stranger takes point and charges into the camp with what appeared to be a varmint hunting rifle
>he is getting shot multiple times all over his body
>he keeps taking drugs and blasting legionaires
>after all the dust settles we walk up to him, not a single wound on him, not even blood
>he collects his pay, loots the entire camp and leaves
I have seen god and he is a drug addict in a vault suit.
>Be me
>About to set off missiles to NCR
>I see Courier behind me
>I look at him, he looks at me
>About to say something but pause after the first letter
>Continue this for God knows how long
>Courier convinces to not launch the missiles
>Marked guys come in, i pull out a sub machine gun
>Courier pulls out A FUCKING FATMAN out of know where
>He shoots up the whole place killing everyone
>He somehow talks with little robot thing
>Not a single fucking scratch on him
>He sets missiles to launch at NCR and Legion
>ThisFuckingHypocrite.jpg
> I haul ass back to cliff
>Courier meets me there
>I sit at the edge looking at the Divide
>Guy is just sitting behind me
>I teach him how to make shit for some reason
>He gives me a blank stare
>Runs off back to the wasteland
>Remembers that I left a case outside with at tons of weapons that cant fit in there but somehow does
>Stare at the Divide for the rest of my life
>Never heard from him again
What the fuck did I just do?
>Be me
>New Floor Manager at the Tops
>it's a normal dsy, well maybe a little slow
>Notice Benny coming down the stairs
>"Hey Benn-"
>A man steps inside the casino with a large gun drawn
>The guy at the fromt desk, I think his name was Oliver, wasnt there long enough for me to remember his name, asks the stranger for his gun
>Stranger looked at Oliver
>'BRTRAP BRTRAP BRTRAP BRTRAP"
>Everyone at the front desk is dead
>Benny's guards start shooting at the guy
>They get shot dowm too
>He looks at me
>oshit.jpg
>My arm is blown off and everyone in the room in shot down
>The room's carpet is stained red
>Stranger steals a small chip looking thing from Benny's coat
>mfw I learned latee as soon as he finished his massacre at the Tops he was invited to serve the NCR and Ceasar's Legion
>be me in middle school
>school has computer lab in the school library
>little shit me got bored
>decided to download a proxy on a usb to play games on miniclip
>shithead next to me sees me playing billiards and asks how I did this
>tell him I make hacks that can bypass school firewall
>shithead asks if he could buy one from me
>made five bucks that day
>next day shithead and some of his friends come up to me asking for more "hacks"
>next day I am forty dollars richer
>month later I'm playing Bush Shootout in school library
>entire library is filled with kids
>realized a week ago that I'm pretty much a drug dealer for kids with video game addictions
>retarded me is acts like a massive introvert and looks over to the person on my left
>mfw he's watching hentai on the school computer
>ctrl-alt-delete
>enter that bitch's computer
>kid who I later find out is mentally challenged and a massive liar gets pissed
>two weeks later school PA tells me to go to vice principals office
>fuck
>enter office to see vice principal tells me he knows about the usbs and says he wants to check my backpack
>lucky me didn't have any in my backpack
>finds out school "audited" their system and found out about the games and even the hentai
>finds out hentai kid from earlier tried blaming the entire thing on me including the hentai
>entire time I'm telling vice that the kid was the one who watched it, didn't reference the usbs
>vice says he knows it was a lie and wanted my response to see weather or not I was the supplier
>mfw he trusted me
>mfw I got away with a days suspension
>mfw other kids got weeks suspension
>mfw hentai kid got a two weeks suspension
>I do not like narcs in my business
>be me, 17 year old kissless virgin male
>travel for few hours to visit girl best friend in far away lands
>she is 8/10, quite attractive and very nice bum
>we walk through the woods while chatting
>I look at her bum when I can
>I have a 3/5 erection from this
>we stop to sit on bench. We've been walking for hours.
>We chat there for two hours and my erection goes
>She leans on me. My erection sowly turns diamond
>She notices. I do not wish to brag but by genitalia is a good size
>she says 'err don't get too excited, Anon'
>I mention that I am male and that dicks don't discriminate
>She laughs and says we need to walk again
>Diamond erection while looking at bum
>We get back to her house. Erection still diamond.
>Must tug.
>We go to her room
>Please can I wank now
>She decides we need to watch game of thrones. She has not seen all of it.
>Great. That's going to take forever
>She decides we should both lie on her bed
>I don't want to rub my diamond penis against her bum
>But I do want to
>She shuffles back into me and feels my dick
>She shuffles away from me
>She asks if we should sit up
>Sitting up. Erection slowly fading.
>Sex scene. Erection becomes diamond again.
>Damn that's a good sex scene.
>She looks at me because she knows about my dick
>She decides all of a sudden that she has feels for me
>I take out my penis and begin to wank
>She leans down to suck it
>Oh no. My penis hole is expanding
>She gets absorbed into my penis
>She is wriggling round in my balls
>I must tug to release her
>I go to toilet to wank
>She is screaming in my balls
>Her screams turn me on
>Fap fap fap
>Wow I only lasted three minutes
>Light speed faps
>out she comes, covered in semen
>be me
>be 25 year old 6/10 kissless virgin
>go to uni
>girl in my class qt 3.14 10/10
>she seems to like me
>she sits beside me in class
>she talks to me
>we become friends
>she invites me to her house
>gladly accept
>oh fuck man im gonna get it on
>go there
>shes fucking rich large ass mansion
>o shit im a poor ass pleb why does she like me
>i go inside
>she greets me with a kiss
>ooo shit
>we go up to her room
> i need to shit
>forget to put the toilet seat up
>shit
>oh fuck
>shit all over
>diarrhea (idk how its spelt)
>window in bathroom
>fuck it
>take off clothes
>steal clothes from her dad
>they dont fit at all
>open window
>fucking run for it
>get home
>mom asks about clothes and why i smell like shit
>i say its a story for another day
>go outside again
>put clothes in trashbin
>shower
>cry for rest of night
>mfw i fucked up
I dropped out of uni after that and moved to another country and started uni there.
>be me in 4th grade
>in math class, desks are aligned in a u-shape in front of the teacher
>anon sits the the end, crush sits across
>had tacos, the shitty school lunch kind
>my stomach starts hurting so I ask ms.teacher if I can go use the restroom
>"no anon sit down"
>"but miss! It's an emergency!!"
>"anon sit down I know you just want to get out of class"
>minutes pass, the feeling goes away
>crush asks if she can borrow my eraser
>then all of the sudden ohshit.jpg, the dam is approaching critical levels
>if anon gets up, he will shit his pants. If anon doesn't get up, he will loose the privilege of having his crush use his eraser
>most difficult dilemma 4th grade anon has ever faced
>anon decides he must not leave a damsel in distress. anon is after all, a gentleman
>somehow made it all the way to her desk, start getting butterflies, blood just rushes straight to my head
>loosing control of bowels, push her off the seat and sit down in hopes of regaining control
>little sally says "ms teacher!! anon pushed me and won't get off my seat!!!"
>ms teacher says "sally be quiet ms teacher is busy teaching the other students"
>little sally is very angry, starts pushing poor anon off
>after and agonizing battle, anon gets pushed off. face down, ass up
>at that moment... the diarrhea
>shits, man, just so much shits
>projectile type shit for a good 30 fucking seconds
>shit goes fucking everywhere
>whole class just stares in horror, little sally throws up on my shit, making the shit splash onto other people including herself
>ms teacher is in a state of shock, everyone is gagging and running around
>I start covering the shit/vomit with books, pants trail shit as I move
>oh shit.. Not done shitting
>how the fuck can a 10 year old shit so much
>run to the bathroom, finish my shit, nurse comes in with clean pair of clothes, makes me shower
>I go home
>never go to that school again
And then.. Years and years later, I come home from college this weekend and I see little Sally at brother's football game
>"anon!! It's you!! please tell me you used the bathroom today!!"
We catch up, have a few drinks, I invite her to dinner.. and the rest is history. Been together 4 years now
>be 18, living in an apartment
>decide to go out for dinner
>as I exit the apartment, realize I left my wallet inside
>turn around to go back in
>my stupid ass went out but forgets the key to the building
>fortunately my stupid ass also forgot to lock my unit so it's just a matter of getting in
>call landlord
>she's asleep
>call locksmith
>can't help with apartment building entrances
>FUCK
>sit outside for an hour
>get idea
>look around the building for open windows to lit rooms
>see one
>"Anyone up there? I'm a tenant who got locked out."
>hear woman faintly groan
>a moment later, hear footsteps coming down
>guy in undershirt and shorts, barefoot, covered in sweat with an obvious semi-chub opens the door and lets me in
>thank him profusely, he accepts my thanks but is in quite a hurry to get back up
>mfw they were boning and I interrupted
>be 17
>be working as a cashier at Price Chopper (grocery chain in the northeast US)
>really need to take a shit but can't because it's busy
>spot "John from the Diner"
>John from the Diner is a loose-cannon 50 year old severe retard who is cared for by his 80 year old mother/wrangler who ferries him everywhere
>he is called John from the Diner because he frequented a small diner in the area
>he would scare the shit out of customers with his loudness and try to physically assault waitresses
>anyway, spot John from the Diner and get a little spooked
>pray to the gods that he doesnt go through my register
>supervisor approaches me
>"hey anon, you can go on your break now"
>relieved, that way John from the Diner would be checked out and gone by the time I got back from break
>clock out for break, go to the bathroom
>it's the only bathroom in the store, two urinals and one stall
>be in the bathroom for a minute or so and hear the door open
>hear slow footsteps coming towards my stall
>*BANG BANG*
>OH SHIT THAT MUST BE JOHN
>John from the Diner just pounded on my flimsy bathroom stall door as hard as he fucking could
>John from Diner lets out a grunt of displeasure
>"UHNNNHHHHH"
>*BANG BANG BANG*
>heart is racing, scared to come out
>John from the Diner grows impatient and leaves the bathroom
>I wipe my ass as quickly as possible but it's one of those "whole roll" type of shits
>John from the Diner returns to the bathroom and once again beats on the stall door
>*BANG BANG*
>"UNHGGGHHH!!!!!"
>finish wiping, open stall door
>John from the Diner is pissed the fuck off
>John from the Diner grabs me by the collar of my shirt and pulls back his arm
>I sit there in shock as I am about to be beaten by a massive retard
>Just before he strikes, the manager walks into bathroom and pulls John from the Diner away
>his poor old mother pleads with the manager not to call the police on him
>I have not seen John from the Diner since
> Be me, 8 years old
> Fat enough to truffle shuffle
> Go on camping trip with my boy scout troop to a local camping ground over the weekend
> Saturday night was a special ceremony
> Love camping trips, but older guys in troop are alpha to me because I'm husky
> also really fucking love skittles, and am forever called "skittle-tits"
> Eat dinner, cry, fall asleep -- usual shit
> After lunchtime Saturday, ceremony is 4 hours from now
> See jocky middle schoolers
> Try to look away, but get heckled
> "Hey Skittle-tits! We've got some skittles for your fat ass!"
> didfagglejustfuckingsayskittles.jpg
> No hesitation
> don't taste right, but sugar is sugar
> really want some more, but don't want to get made fun of
> About an hour after I had eaten, thunder from down under
> I don't think those were skittles
> gotta hit the latrines
> Get to the latrines
> rancid doodie smear everywhere
> Not pooping here
> "Where the fuck can I go"
> Get lost, but see new shower area the campground
> It's like a high school communal shower, no walls or anything
> Anything will do at this point, can't squeeze anus shut much longer.
> Turtle head is knock-knock-knockin on heaven's door
> Run to shower area
> Snot rocket shit fountain from asshole
> Everywhere
> Literally feel as though my organs are coming out of my ass
> After few minutes my exit is done spewing.
> Quickly realize where I am
> NowI'minsomeshit.mp4
> Walls and floors alike are caked in my chocolate
> See a cinder block
> thoughtbubble.gif
> Use cinder block to half-assedly scrape diarreha off wall and into corner
> Once the butt butter was in a pile, I put the cinder block on top to hide evidence
> 8 year old logic
> Use this opportunity to kill two birds with one stone and take a shower
> Wipe up and waddle out like nothing happened
> Too nervous to show face, forced to waddle through woods away from ceremony
> Wander to some other person's hammock
> Energy drained from massive brown, must sleep
> Pass out for hours
> Sometime at night I wake up to screaming
> WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING DOING IN MY HAMMOCK
> ohgodwhat'shappening
> Your family has been looking for endlessly, you missed the ceremony and everyone is furious
> gottagofast.webm
> Find family
> Get ass whooped, but never explain myself.
Afterwards, heard news about latrines being rekt and camp counselers being pissed from friend. At the next meeting they questioned everyone individually. Me being the heavy, awakard kid who was a pansy, I cracked when they got to me. I let them know the gruesome details, and was asked to leave Boy Scouts forever. When my parents were told, it forever started the disappointment I will always see in my Dad's eyes when he looks at me. When I returned to school, I found out through some kids that the older Boy Scouts had given me dishwater tablets. Bullying was increased ten-fold, and it lasted until highschool. Eventually had to start over new in a different state because I literally wanted to die from the embarrasment. Even after I left, people still threw bags of shit at my parent's house.
