>be today
>wake up next to gf
>she's still chubby
>wasn't like this when I met her
>told her that she needs to lose weight
>it's been four months
>i need to put my foot down and today's the day
>figure the best way to do it is after breakfast
>breakfast ain't gonna make itself
>she gets up, goes to kitchen
>browse /g/ waiting for breakfast
>she looks at me suspecting something
>during breakfast she keeps looking at me like she knows something bad is about to happen
>'Is everything alright, anon? You're quiet'
>plans weekend internally
>'yeah, fine'
>'okay well we can go to the gym after i get off work, if you want'
>not sure what to say
>is she on to me?
>her fatty sense is tingling
>it's too late now bitch
>its time to go be fat somewhere else
>tell her im busy
>she asks what "we're" doing
>look at her and feel bad for a second
>she takes the last pancake
>doesn't even ask if i want it
>feeling immediately passes
>tell her she's fat and it's over
>cries loudly, panicking asking me why
>look at the half-eaten pancake on her plate
>bitch didn't even finish it
>mfw im single and have to make my own pancakes now
>racing home from tack bell
>serious gut nuke about to implode
>niggadamn.gif
>speed 24 miles over
>dont want my car to turn into a blast zone
>red and blue lights flash behind
>fuck
>pull over, yes i know how fast i was going
>please step out of the car, anon
>cops call in drug doge
>okay
>sniffs car, sniffs me, barks
>areyoufuckingwithme.jpg
>empty your pockets anon
>bring out phone, wallet and 30 cents or so
>dog barks more
>im afraid were going to have to search more at the station anon
>wat
>get to station, my stomach soup is brewing with extra chunks of meat
>niggahurryup.jpg
>get lead to room, officer with different doge, and another with gloves on a table
>no
>NO
>dogs are a barking
>lordhelpmeforihavesinned.wav
>gets to the point where i get a full cavity search
>stomach rumbles with half of a cops finger in my asshole
>he felt it
>i felt it
>its doomsday
>sphincter muscles contract, fighting the cops finger from pulling back
>letitgo.gif
>shit sprays out of asshole, on to cop, my pants and floor
>the smell of 3 loaded potato burritos occupy the room
>cop pulls out immediately, poop fountains out as a stream
>dog runs over and licks
>wat
>mfw i end up leaving the station with shit and potato in my crotch and underwear
>mfw i shit all over a cop
>never leave house again
>be me
>be 10
>go trick or treating
>first 10 houses more or less tell me to fuck off
>i can understand why
>they had no food either
>(poorfag neighborhood)
>i wasnt even in a costume
>eventually get to next house
>excitedly say trick or treat
>dapper looking gent answers the door
>hello young man, here you must want this
>gives me shitload of candy
>thank you sir
>dont worry about it my boy, and here have some extra for having such good manners
>gives me even more candy
>wow thanks mister
>run home excitedly
THE END
what really happened:
>barely mustered anything out over my disappointment and annoyance thus far
>middle aged dude covered in tattoos wearing wife beater and jeans answers door
>its halloween, do you got any fuckin food or whatever?
>aren't you supposed to be dressed up or some shit?
>im so poor i have to beg for food do you think i have enough money for a fuckin costume?
>watch the attitude kid
>fuuuuuuck yooouuuuuuu
>(I was a total asswipe as a kid)
>his facial expression changes
>its the expression people have when they've had enough of my shit
>the expression they have right befor they beat the shit out of me
>ifuckedup.jpf
>he starts laughing
>wat
>most people walk away as soon as they see me but you dont give a shit do you? hahaa
>you remind me of me at your age
>walks inside
>comes back out
>here, its the first thing i found
>gives me a can of spaghetti
>dafuk
>i leave
he was a pretty cool guy, i buy weed from him now.
> Saturday morning
> Playing vydia
> Phone rings, unknown number
> "Yes? Who is it?"
> "Hey it's me, here is your daughter she wants to talk to you!"
> "Hi daddyyy"
> "I don't have a daughter. Who are you?"
> "Christen"
> "I'm not your father, I don't even know you"
> I end the call
> 20 seconds later
> "Why did you do that to your daughter? What are you thinking? She is crying, apologize to her"
> I can't say anything before the little girl talks to me again.
> "Daddy don't do this to me" and sobs.
> "I'm not your dad"
> "Daddy please don't do this" and sobs louder
> "I don't know you, you are not my daughter, I'm not your father, I'm not anything of you, stop calling me please, goddamit"
> She starts to cry and her mother is back at the phone
> "What the heck Jeff! Are you crazy? You make your daughter cry! Why do you do this? You think it's funny!?"
> "What the heck!? I'm not Jeff, my name is Anon. Stop bothering me please"
> 3 seconds awkward silence.
> Ends call.
Later I realized I might have scarred a bit that little girl.
>be me
>scotfag, 18
>commute to university by bus daily at 6:30am
>drinking at the local pub the previous night
>sit at back of the bus and chill
>4 hours sleep
>tired af, figured it would be a good idea to sleep
>bus is packed full of people but still somehow manage to sleep even though I don't usually
>wake up practically at campus bus stop
>tiredeyes.jpeg
>eyes watering profusely
>hit stop button
>queue minor stroke
>move past the guy sitting next to me and enter the channel of the bus
>driver slams the breaks 200yards before stop
>mfw legs refuse to work correctly and decide to get parkinsons
>i swing down between the poles, half tarzan, half stroking out
>reach the bottom of the bus and contemplate wtf happened
>"cheers mate" and step off the bus
>proceed to my local coffee place
>still trying to wake up
>regular guy is on for the time of morning,"hello anon, what can i get you"
>"medium latte man"
>queue 2nd stroke
>"sitting in or take away anon"
>i raise my voice as i figured he didn't here me "medium latte"
>"god damn it anon, sit in or take away?"
>A MEDIUM LATTE
>private school girl behind me helps me understand the error im making
>autism.gif
>establish i'm sitting in, barista guy scowls into the coffee machine in disgust
>carry coffee to the table i usually sit at
>meanwhile a crowd of people have accumulated, waiting to get served
>take off bag
>strap catches coffee glass
>flys off the table, spaghetti everywhere
>barista glares at me
>i shake my head and leave
>mfw i realise that i can't ever go back there after today
