>be me
>be first day of high school
>mom is dropping me off today
>she gets my rolling backpack full of fruit snacks out of the trunk
>"are you sure you'll be okay here anon?"
>"yes mommy i am fucking fine"
>have one thing on my mind
>barely make it to the classroom before collapse in desk
>health class
>skinny fucking normies are staring at me
>obviously never played WoW
>next few classes breeze by
>finally lunch time
>shove my way through the line
>something smells familiar
>tendies
>holy fuck i cant waddle fast enough as the line moves forward
>lunch lady says "hi sweetie what would you like?"
>"how many good boy points do tendies cost, slut?"
>"excuse me, what did you call me? and what are good boy points?"
>ignore cumdumpster
>i grab 5 trays of tendies and huff to the condiment station
>grab 10 containers of ranch
>take 3 bottles of coke and guzzle one on the way to lay down
>lay on floor
>i eat one tray of tendies and i get the urge to pee pee and poo poo
>piss in coke bottle and shit in the tendie tray
>entire lunch room is staring at me
>jaws dropped
>i fucking hate normies
>principal sprints over and yells at me
>"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
>he leaves for help
>shove the remaining tendies in my pockets and guzzle down my cokes
>principal and football coaches return and slowly hoist me up
>it took 5 of them
>poo poo the most ever in my life all over the principals shoes
>maintenance brings a golf cart with a bed on it to drive me to the office
>parked outside because they don't want to even try to bring me inside
>obviously normie principal tells me how disgusting i am
>i'm expelled from school and he calls my mom
>mom shows up furious and takes me home
>in the car she tells me
>"anon, I am taking away 500 GBP"
>"but i only have 100 right now you dumb whore"
>"so now you have -400 GBP"
>fucking cunt
>we get home and she sends me to my room
>mfw more tendies in my pocket than i could have gotten in one week
>great success
>Wake up this morning feeling good
>Pull the special edition Battlestar Galactica blanket off my bed
>Tie it around my neck like cape
>Step over my piss bottles and old food containers
>It's an autistic ballet as I tip toe to the spots on my floor that aren't covered in garbage
>Finally make it out into hallway
>Rush to look at Good Boy chart on the wall
>MFW only 10 more points needed for a Double Tendie Dinner!
>Run downstairs so fast my cape floats behind me
>Do a running slide onto kitchen floor to tell Mummy the good news
>Mummy just looks at me sternly
>Says to bend over so she can check my diaper first
>"You know I have to check every morning, anon."
>"Nooooo! I don't wanna!" I cry out defiantly
>Tears start to well in her eyes
>She starts walking away from me
>"Wait...Ok..." I say as I lean over the table for her inspection
>Pull down my pants
>The smell of partially digested tendy shit and cheese diarrhea wafts to her nose
>She instantly vomits into the sink
>"That's minus 50 GBP!" she screams with her chin covered in puke
>"I screech and rip off the diaper
>Throw it onto the dining room table as hard as I can
>Orange and brown chunks splatter everywhere
>Some gets on the ceiling
>Some gets on mummy
>She curls into a ball sobbing uncontrollably next to the sink
>Reaches up for a towel but accidentally cuts herself on a kitchen knife I left out
>She's bleeding and covered in vomit and poo while screaming how I'm a bad boy
>Quickly put on my shoes and stuff my pockets with frozen tendies
>Run to my car crying because now I'm late for class at community college
>Wake up at 8 PM after my nappy-wappy
>Remembered I've been a really good boy today
>Go to check my Good Boy Point (GBP) whiteboard
>30 GBP
>Enough to go in the playroom AND get a tendie meal with ranch dipping sauce
>Wade through my piss bottles and shit jugs to get to my door
>Waddle over to mummy's room
>"Mummy! Mummy! I've been a good boy and I want to go to the pwaywoom!"
>Mummy checks my chart and leads me to the playroom
>As she unlocks the playroom, she tells me that she'll get my tendies ready
>I quickly remind her, "Don't fowget the wanch!!"
>rush into the playroom and fall over headfirst onto the racecar mat.
>begin playing with my blocks
>One hour later
>Door opens and she has my tendies, except...
>No ranch dip
>"BITCH! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY TENDIES. I NEED RANCH DIPPING SAUCE TO FULLY ENJOY MY TENDIES."
>"y-you never asks for ranch, sweetums..."
>"WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR NUMBER ONE BOY!?!?"
>"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH AN UNGRATEFUL MOM!?"
>"d-don't worry Anon, I'll go right back down to get your ranch..."
>Throw one of my blocks at her and it hits her straight in the eye
>That's gonna leave a bruise.
>"SERVES YOU RIGHT, NORMIE BITCH! NOW GO BACK DOWN AND MAKE ME SOME MORE TENDIES!"
>Lean in close to her ear
>Shout "AND DON'T FORGET THE RANCH."
>She leaves crying
>Notice I made some wawa in my nappy.
>mfw she changes me while I enjoy my tendies & ranch
>saved up enough Good Boy Points for a new game
>ask mummy to drive me to EB Games
>says she drank too much of her grape juice so she cant drive
>decide to go myself
>pack some chicken tendies for the journey in case I get hungies
>go to the garage, grab my bike and TMNT bicycle helmet (leonardo, of course)
>riding my bike, people angry and yelling at me as i make my way through sidewalk (wtf am i supposed to do, ride on the street?)
>see cousin dylan walking home from school with his friends
>wave hello but he pretends not to notice me (lol he's so shy)
>get to EB Games, grab a copy of Super Smash Brothers, and head to cashier
>tell him i would like to purchase this game using my accumulated good boy points
>he gives me a weird look and then asks for my EB Games Edge points rewards card
>huh? i don't have that. its what mummy must use to keep my GBP on
>ask him if i can pay with my chicken tendies
>"uh.. no, you cant pay with chicken, that's not legal tender"
>"WHAT? THIS IS TOTALLY CHICKEN TENDERS, WTF YOU THINK, THAT THESE ARE NUGGETS OR SOMETHING?"
>he tells me he's calling security, so i grab the the game and run, get on my bike, and flee
>get somewhere safe, check out game, THE CASE IS FUCKING EMPTY, IT WAS JUST FOR DISPLAY
>so angry, i take a big meaty shit inside the case and smush it shut
>throw it on sidewalk and watch as some excited kid and his mom pick it up
>lel not a complete loss i guess
>get home, police car there
>mom is hysterical
>"ANON THERE YOU ARE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??"
>tell her of my adventure as she hugs me
>get extra tendies for dinner that night
>be medieval doctor
>chillin in my bitchin' horse and wagon carrying my various herbs and body parts
>for reasearch
>some asshole templars pull up
>notthisshitagain. oiloncanvas
>call me a nerd and make fun of my mask
>how is the mask stupid? the mask is the best part of being a doctor
>a couple of the bucket heads are coughing pretty bad
>it is time to do my duty
>my doctoral duty
>tell them I can cure them of their sickness
>grab a bunch of shit from the back of my wagon
>grind it all together
>tell them to put into all the holes in their body
>all the holes
>they totally believe it
>they start shoving the concoction in their assholes
>they complain of burning
>tell them that means it is working
>leave, go back to chillin
>i am a doctor
> be me
> 28 years old NEET
> raised as an only child
> I caused mummy and daddys divorce
> nothing matters except the scrumptious taste of tendies
> GOLDEN BROWN TENDY TOWN TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN
> mfw its 03:00am
> eww mummy is sleeping with nasty landlord
> mummy I'm hungries
> yell into intercom for snackitysnacks
> CLAIM THE MEAL OF THE CHICKEN GODS!! ITS TENDY TIME!!
> her tired voice reponds with "PISS OFF SWEETY MOMMY IS WORKING!!"
> insolent woman I know there are tendies in the freezer bring me my tendies
> challenging me at this hour?
> keep chanting for the tendies that are rightfully mine
> evil jew landlord tells mummy to shut me up
> naughty man. Making mummy's ladylettuce smell like sardines
> The war has begun.ctn
> enter sunrise. All Preparations are complete.
> nullifying any chance of escape I reeeee into mummies "office" on my valiant reinforced electric wheelchair
> douse jew in two jugs of poopyjuice before he can activate his spells
> evil jew is unable to battle!
> ram him into the corner and then leap off of my valiant steed and mount mummy's face
> NO NO NO NO NO NO MUMMY! YOUR PUNISHMENT MUST BE MORE SEVERE!!
> "URGH! YOU'RE CRUSHING ME SWEET-- OH GOD HELP ME PLEASE NO!!"
> Groan as I release a big boy turd so nasty her fingernails begin to peel backwards
> gaze into her eyes as the impact sends mummy into panic attack
> expel the last of my poopies on the sheet. How many times must I break you?
> tidy up my toys and waddle into kitchen to await my spoils
> slithery jew slithers out of my castle and says we don't need to worry about rent ever again
> mummy finally arrives visibly shaken and broken inside
> opens the freezer to make my tendies and blows them until they are cool
> "mummy you have to chew them for me"
> mummy breaks down in tears and screams for death
> yawn, give myself 5 extra gbp and fall asleep without eating them.
>be me
>it's my twelfth birthday
>which means it's my Choice Day
>pretty nervous because I know it's a huge deal, but I haven't given it much thought
>me and dad sit down at the kitchen table
>he shows me two pictures
>one is a shirtless brad Pitt
>the other is giselle bundchen wearing a bra and panties
>"which one gets your dick hard, anon?"
>neither one does
>"spit it out, anon! which one?"
>i tell him the truth
>he looks very concerned
>"maybe you'd prefer something...um...different"
>shows me a picture of Bailey jay
>she has a penis
>dadwhatthefuck.jpg
>definitely not that one
>dad is looking really worried
>he shows me another picture
>"what about...this one?"
>it's a naked woman covered in shit
>seriouslydadwhatthefuck.png
>definitely not that one
>dad looks like he's about to have a panic attack
>he shows me one last picture
>it's a 12 year old girl
>kinda looks like this girl from my history class
>and then it hits me
>she's cute
>like, really cute
>i start thinking about what it would be like to go to a movie with her
>all of a sudden, dick is diamonds
>I tell him that's the one
>MFW dad kicks me out of the house for being something called a "pedophile"
>be me
>two weeks ago
>at the bar playing darts
>pretty drunk
>3/10 fat trap bitch walks up with fagtard friend
>in deepest voice I've ever heard she requests next game
>"well clearly you don't have a feminine penis"
>they both stare at me
>"wtf did you just say to me"
>I asked, "well, do you have a feminine penis or not?"
>her friend steps in
>200% gayest voice I've ever heard
>"faggot detected"
>he tries to sucker punch me
>he misses and I punch him in the jaw
>laying on ground bleeding
>girl runs off to get bartender
>crowd gathering
>girl is crying hate crime
>starts telling everybody what I said
>bartender comes over
>"check 'em, faggot"
>bartender gets pissed
>calls me a homophobe and demands I leave now
>"what the fuck did you just say about me you little bitch?"
>"I'll have you know I graduated top..."
>bartender pops me in the mouth
>grabs me by the neck and drags me towards the door
>get outside
>crowd has followed
>cops already there
>cops ask my name
>"Pepe. Rare Pepe"
>they look confused and annoyed
>I repeat it
>"Son, what are you on right now?"
>I reply, "dank memes, sir"
>cops misheard, think I said dank weed
>immediately get slammed to ground by cops
>they're going on about how I'm drunk and high in public and starting fights
>"I said dank memes, fucking newfags"
>cop punches me in the back of the head
>wake up hours later in a jail cell
>list of charges include inciting a riot, hate crimes against members of the LGBTQ community, public drunkeness, and assaulting a police officer.
>Be me.
>Be 10-year-old little shit.
>Have a serious problem with not going to the bathroom because I'm too enthralled in the vidya.
>Instead of taking a shit I'd pick off little pieces of the shit sticking out of my ass and toss it behind my bed.
>I do this for months, never realizing that tiny pebbles of shit were accumlating behind my bed.
>Spring cleaning comes.
>Am too stupid to realize that my shit will be found.
>Step-dad says, "well son, let's start with under-the-bed first, seeing as how you always throw your trash under there."
>"ohshitohshitohsit.
>The jig is up.
>Step-dad slowly helps me clean up the food-waste and toys underneath my bed.
>he decides to pull out my bed for ease of access.
>I say, "it's okay, dad, I'll do it."
>Dad says, "this bed is much too heavy, you don't have to do anything else."
>OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT
>Dad pulls the bed out, not realizing the shitstorm to come.
>Dad looks over behind the bed after he pulls it out.
>Goddamn son, didn't know we had mice!" he says after looking at the huge amount of shit pebbles.
>"Y-yeah, dad," is all I can muster out.
>I never threw shit pebbles behind my bed again.
>Mfw I dodged a huge punishment.
>Mfw I stopped throwing shit behind my bed.
>Mfw
>be me
>2nd semester high school senior
>taking US History course
>discussing monopolies and how they are illegal along with modern politics
>discussion leads to Donald Trump
>feminist bitch in the front shares her opinion of Trump
>"i couldnt live with myself or be disgraced with having him as president"
>temporarily forget I'm surrounded by normies
>autism.exe is now running
>"whats wrong with our Lord and Savior Donald Trump?"
>ohfuck.avi
>entire class stares at me
>teacher tells me how that statement alone makes him want to quit teaching
>spaghetti falls out of my pocket
>teacher tries to continue teaching
>next slide
>is pic related
>starts talking about Carnegie and standard oil monopoly
>autism still going strong
>want to redeem myself
>"well you know, you can't stump the Trump"
>angry glares
>whatthefuckiswrongwithme.zip
>teacher literally walks out
>everyone is silent
>he doesnt come back
>15 minutes later class ends
>glares at me as everyone leaves
>finish the day
>mfw whatever pitiful social life I did have just got crushed by my autism
>wake up at 3PM and roll out of my racecar bed
>piss jugs are all full, have to use the toilet like some subhuman normie
>waddle downstairs to find mummy for my wakey-wakey tendies and bakey
>lights off, nobody there
>there is a note on the refrigerator
>"Pumpkin, Dytravius and I have gone to the movies for the afternoon I made some of your favorite chicky tendies just heat them up in the microwave if you get hungy for num-nums. Love you, Mom"
>fucking cunt has let my tendies get cold and mushy
>and she expects me to heat them up myself like a slave
>she will fucking learn today
>change out of my cloth diaper into a disposable and hit the road
>spend the entire walk to the cinema filling my diapey with poo poo
>arrive at the theater parking lot and coat myself in a thin layer of pee pee and poo
>brace myself and enter the lobby
>let loose my battle cry
>RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>"MY PRECIOUS TENDIES HAVE GONE TO WASTE, NOW MY POOPY YOU SHALL TASTE"
>pull handfuls of poop out of my diaper and fling them at random
>staff tries to stop me but I am too quick and too slippery
>entire venue is being evacuated
>navigate my way to White Holes Black Poles 8 in the adult section
>mummy and new daddy are in the front row
>covered in poo and pee, two steaming loads in each hand
>mummy's face is a mixture of shock and indescribable terror
>walk slowly towards her while chanting "..tendies...tendies...tendies..."
>our eyes are locked
>as if from far away I hear new daddy say "ayo wut tha fuck this nigga-"
>cease my low chanting with a final "TENDIEEEEES" and smash the handfuls of rancid diarrhea onto either side of her head
>bring my piss-soaked face right up to hers
>her ears are filled with my poo, eardrums are ruptured, and eyes are nearly blinded by a mixture of tears and more poo
>say very slowly and clearly
>"Don't you ever fuck with my chicken tenders again."
And the best part is that she was too scared to even take away any of my good boy points
>go into micky d's for some mid-afternoon tendies
>order my chicky-chicky tendy-wendies and ask for just a water cup because "i'm trying to shrink this tubby tummy" with a wink at the cashier
>walk over to the soda fountain, pour out the icewater, and fill it up with my super secret soda formula (it's coke, dr pepper, and just a smidge of hawaiian punch teehee)
>prance out while cackling maniacally before the normies can call the cops on me for soda theft
>go home and enjoy the spoils of war
