>put on brown rice>shit takes 50 min to cook>haven't fed the clam all week>towel down, trou down, & joy-rocket is go for launch>Houstonwehaveliftoff.mp4>no>wait>stop>DAMMIT>it's been too long, only last a few minutes>iamdisappoint.jpg>femanon, but "gifted" with 40+-min refractory period>occasionally delude self that tonight will be the night I get a twofer in a reasonable amount of time>never works>case in fucking point>drillbabydrill.gif>30 min later>arm's tired>think I'm getting close again>Suddenly, "BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEP-BEEEEEP!">clam-jammed by a boiled cereal crop>free hand is slimy>setting vibrator down is like trying to balance a pencil on its eraser>bright idea of the day: I'll flex my kegels & try to just hold it inside me>try to roll off the lofted bed>land on vibe handle>jump in pain>vibe shoots out and rolls all the way to the closet>picks up all the hair along the wayAnd that's how my dildo became a lint roller.
>be me, 18
>march 3rd, 2017
>stay up all night pacing around the room
>bought into the incredible hype for the switch
>worked with my dad installing tradeshows just to earn enough cash for this thing
>been neet since 16 so working was incredibly daunting
>my hype kept me up until 5 am
>lightly knock on my mom's door
>dont want to make my mom drive to walmart and sit through the line
>she insists that she drives me
>we arrive at walmart - 5:30 AM
>a shitload of autists camped out in their cars in the parking lot
>they've already formed a line, later learn theyve been there since 4 am
>i live the NEET lifestyle but generally don't present it
>these guys
>these fucking guys
>all of them fit the stereotypes
>1 transgender mtf who barely tries to look like a girl
>fucker looks like something out of LISA
>1 fat neckbeard with a star wars t shirt
>1 creepy asian in a hoodie
>you can imagine what the rest look like
>i ignore the line because i have a fucking brain
>i knew full well this line would break as soon as the doors opened
>some smug retard with a superman tshirt comes up to me
>"hey bud"
>don't answer
>"hey bud, wanna get in line?"
>"no"
>"but you have to"
>"guy wont leave me alone
>i explain my reasoning, he doesnt listen
>eventually i fuck off to the back of the line
>im grumbling, overtired, and surrounded by sweaty tards
>eventually, 6 am hits
>doors open, line breaks into an all out rush
>28 weeks later type of shit
>rabid autism floods the aisles of walmart
>i know the layout of the place pretty well though
>take the shortest route while most others traffic up from fat people squeezing through walkways
>end up at the line, 7th place roughly
and it begins
>im waiting patiently when i feel a tap on my shoulder
>its the asian with the hood
>"hey... i was in front of you out there..."
>i ignore him, fuck all of these people
>pachinko pulls out his phone and forces me to look at it
>he took a picture of me
>somehow this guy took a picture of me when i was behind him
>fuckingwhat.jpg
>i decide to reason with him, dont want to start anything
>we can all easily see the amount of switches they have in stock
>around 10
>im 7th, hes 8th
>ask him to do the math
>he shoves fucking past me
>oklol
>i patiently wait from here on, things go smoothly
>i hear an angry mexican guy behind me yell
>"we were in line outside what the fuck is this!?"
>i let him pass me to shut him up, hes 9th in line
>these retards cant count
>another guy taps me
>another
>guy
>"hey dude let me go ahead, its only fair"
>its smug superman
>i lol internally and ignore him
>asian guy finally gets his switch and glares at me
>i get mine shortly after, last one in stock
>debate on whether i should gloat
>keep my composure and thank god nothing happened
>smug superman gets nothing
>i go home and play zelda
>meh, its only ok
>Be me
>Be 20
>have rich uncle who owns a few nice cars
>acquire gf at college bc easy
>on winter break
>drive to uncles house with girl in my shitty '98 Civic
>sneak into his garage
>take his Ford Shelby GT
>drive way up into the mountains and park the car at a scenic overlook
>get in the back with gf and start going to town
>feel the car moving
>continue finger blasting anyway
>I forgot to set the parking brake and we are rolling
>finger blast faster
>Shelby coming 'round the mountain when she cums
>be me
>playing club penguin trying to hook up with bitches
>my mum comes in and says that after I lost her her job I should get a part time job
>I tell her to fuck off
>she sighs
>"I-i-t's okay, Anon. It's not your fault you're special."
>Stupid bitch. Why does everyone need to tell me that?
>Ffwd 1 month later
>now she just wears really red lipstick, fishnets and short skirt and goes upstairs every night with a male friend to play 'games' with a locked door.
>lying bitch, how can we still be poor and she can still play around?
>sometimes I hear beating and her crying.
>note to self: buy noise-cancellation headphones with GBP.
>my tummy is hungry
>I go upstairs and knock on the door
>"MUMMY YOUR BEST BOY IS HUNGRY. I WANT TENDIES."
>no answer
>I put my ear against the door
>hear them exercising
>faggots must have put in earpiece and listening to music
>no one fucks with my tendies
>go to backyard
>climb up tree outside mummy's window
>am big-boned but tendies motivate me
>see their silhouette behind curtain
>he's helping her do sit ups
>I am Enzio Auditore
>swing like pendulum and crash through window
>I roll gracefully and crash into mummy's drawer
>don't know why they're not wearing clothes, it's not that hot
>her friend is spilling mayonnaise on her face
>her male friend goes wtf
>he storms out and says he'll never "spend money on a stupid whore again"
>mummy just sits there and cries
>I bang on my chest and scream "I WANT TENDIES"
Tfw when she left cooked tendies on the dining table before all that.
>3 am
>12 hours into my League of Legends normie killing campaign
>playing my waifu jinx
>some normie is obviously using hax and kills me.
>I manage to hold back a scream. Only for my beautiful waifu
>still angry, decide to eat tendies for comfort.
>reaches to special curves
>lifts tendie fold
>no tendies, only sweat and barbie q sauce
>pull out my sauce covered hand, screaming in rage
>why didn't mommie restock my folds yet
>screaming continues, using my rage to stand
>pukie all over keyboard from the stress
>smell of barbie q and pukie fills the air
>how dare mommie make me look like this in front of my Jinxie
>lumber to the door, barb ba qu sauce drips down my body as it mixes with sweet.
>"MOMMIE MOMMIE YOUR SWEET BABY BOY IS HUNGRRYY"
>I can hear a panic shuffling. Mommie must know the wrong she did.
>"MOMMIE YOU'VE BEEN BAD TO YOUR BABBY BOY"
>throws self down the stairs, my big boy bones are too heavy for the steps and the stair chair is too slow.
>My sensual rolls break my fall, leftover barby sauce squirting out as I land.
>Mommie tries to run for the door
>she slips on the bar ba que that discharged from my store folds.
>Mommie's big dumb head hits coffeetable then floor
>"Mommie mommie"
>I poked mommie with saucey finger
>dumb cunt doesn't wake up, lying in barba quey sauce
> I must have spilled ketchup too
>Red sauce everywhere
>go to the freezer
>start shoving tendies into my folds to heat
>refuse to use oven like some useless mommie
>step over mommie and squeeze into stair chair.
>Stair chair whirls loudly
>Mommy still not up.
>roll back to computer
>my team lost while I was dealing with mommie
>fucking pleb normies
>looking at Jinx makes my tinkie feel spicy
>use my slippy sauce covered hand to make my tinkie feel extra spicy.
>tinke pukies on keyboard
>goes to the chan to find more pictures to make my tinkie spicey
>next day mommys still sleeping
>bitch
>Wake up at 9pm after a particularly exhausting Minecraft session
>tummy is making hungry noises
>navigate my way out of my room through the piles of weewee jugs and trash
>make my way downstairs, peek into the living room
>mummy and new daddy are doing a special backwards hug on the sofa like uncle phil showed me once
>new daddy is making funny sounds like a steam train
>don't care, hungry
>"MUMMY MAKE ME BREKKIE BREK"
>mummy screams, new daddy swears and nearly falls off the sofa like a silly
>says to mummy "why is that retard still living here, isn't he like 30"
>I don't like being called a retard
>not since the incident with the toddler in mcdonalds
>feel my inner wolf break loose
>let out a mighty howl and try to rip off my creeper hoodie
>not strong enough in my hunger-weakened state
>new daddy is laughing, I'll fucking show him
>pull down my crusty cargo shorts and grab my tingly tummy tendie
>"GOLDEN WHIRLWIND, GO GO GO"
>start spinning like a beyblade and weeing as hard as I can
>mummy is screaming and crying, new daddy swears even louder and tries to grab me
>dodge him with my veteran CS reflexes but fall because I'm dizzy from malnourishment
>new daddy gets me in a headlock and starts punching me in the tummy
>he doesn't know I've been saving a satisfying tendie-and-dew-fuelled doodie for later
>bum explodes like a fat man in fallout 3 (I don't play 4 because it doesn't have my waifu Moira)
>new daddy is covered in doodie, he looks like a swamp monster
>he lets go and starts vomiting
>mummy is on the phone, I think she's calling 911, new daddy is trying to make her put the phone down and shouting something about "the meth you dumb bitch"
>crawl to the kitchen, everything is spinning and I feel faint
>"MUMMY MAKE TENDIES" I manage to shout before blacking out
>wake up locked inside the basement bad-boy cage next to a plate of hot tendies
>new daddy is gone
great success
>be at Burger King
>they have $1.49 for 10 nuggets deal
>this means I can order more nuggies!
>time to load up
>decide to get 200
>make ma-ma do the conversion from USD to GBP
>only 60 Good Boy Points for 200 nugnugs!
>I clean out their nuggie saucies (costs 0 GBP so I order extra, 1 sauce packet per 2 nuggies)
>my table looks like the famous Scarface scene but with nuggies instead of cocaine
>scarf down my nuggers n' sauce while ma-ma plays Candy Crush on her phone (shitty pleb game)
>mum tells me to slow down else I get a tum-tum ache
>stupid bitch thinks she can tell me what to do
>later that night I wake up with a big hurty poo
>rush-waddle to bathroom
>trip and fall before I reach toilet
>laying on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out and pooping all over the floor
>1 hour later i clean myself up in the toilet bowl and wake up mommy to clean my poopies
>didn't get my 50 GBP for sleeping through the night
>lose the 30 daily GBP bonus I get for keeping my poo-poos in the toilet
>can't go to sleep now
>do peepee fun rubby-squirty on the Baby Bop pages of my Barney and Friends picture book
>miss the pages and and get pee-pee mayonnaise all over my bedsheets
>mums get upset when she sees the stains and takes away the rest of my GBP
And that's why you never choose nuggies over tendies
>playing some call of dooties tree
>my belly starts to rumble
>"Mommy I need some Tendieeeeeessss."
>"Anon, for the last time, you're on a diet and can't have fried food!"
>"But momeeeeeee! I have enough GBPeeeee!!"
>no response
>wait a few minutes
>Hear the "bump bump" of mommy walking down the stairs
>a tray slides through my flap-flap on my basement door
>mommy had it installed because "she couldn't bear seeing me"
>remove the neck of my poop jug from my anus
>been sitting on my poop jug as a chair all day
>it makes my peepee feel tingly
>wobble over my bedroom door
>look at the tray
>so taken aback by the horror on my tray that I fall over
>THE BITCH MADE ME BAKED CHICKEN
>clench fists hulk-style and start yelling "IM.... ANGRY"
>"ANON SMASH!"
>just like my hero, saitama, knock the basement door off of it's hinges in one punch
>start hobbling up the stairs
>have to stop on the 5th step because exhausted
>take a nap on the stairs for about 30 minutes
>continue making my journey up the last 3 steps
>get to the top, reminds me of rocky
>roll up to mommy, poopy butt leaving trails on the carpet
>"hello anon how was your dinn-"
>roll straight into her legs, knocking her to the ground
>"MOMMY FAILED TO COMPLY, NOW SHE ten-DIES"
>Start rolling on her like a steamroller
>hear her bones cracking from my beautiful curves
>"ANON NO PLEASE STOP!"
>activate "Muddy Lemonade" protocol
>start pissing and shitting as i roll over her
>"ANON ILL MAKE YOU TENDIES JUST PLEASE STOP!"
>I halt
>she crawls to the kitchen her broken legs dragging behind her
>see her pull a handful of what i think are tic-tacs from an orange bottle and put them into the milk for the breading
>I hate mint flavor!
>slither up behind her like a snake that has just eaten a elephant whole
>"PUT MINTS IN MY TENDIES, YOUR SPINE GOES BENDY"
>get mommy's head and bend it backwards so the back touches her butt
>she's limp
>have peepee fun friction time with her mouth
>roll back to basement and start playing CS:GO
>Be me, working on my minecraft peaceful world
>mummy comes in, hands up in submission
>"a-anon... It's time for your doctors appointment..."
>look her dead in the face
>"if you make me go to that jew Doctor I'm going to shit in your fucking bed."
>"now anon, if you behave... I'll give you a triple Tendie meal from anywhere you want."
>sold, but resolve to give her as hard a time as possible to punish her for not just GIVING me the triple tendies for being her perfect little baby boy
>get in the car
>"oh boy mommy, I really do need to go to the docy docs! I am feeling so... Sick!"
>shit my big boy pants
>she screams at me to get out of the car so she can clean it, say no, docy docs now!
>she reluctantly drives me over, go inside office and wipe my shit on the Windows
>she apologizes, pays for damages and we wait for the doctor
>mommys shoe starts to dangle off her heel
>start jerking off
>mommy sees me and desperately whispers at me to stop before someone notices
>moan as loud as I can
>she's in tears now
>look her in the eye
>"Touch my cock, whore." I say loud enough for the whole room to hear
>she sobs loudly and shakes her head no
>pinch her nipple and twist until she agrees and gives me cummies
>Doctor calls me in, immediately call him a kike
>spend whole checkup farting, pissing, and belching strategically to ruin the doctors day
>checkup finally ends, mom is still sobbing
>"triple Tendie time now mummy!"
>lets out a louder sob and rushes to the car, me in pursuit
>"wh-where do you want tendies from, anon?"
>tell her I want wendies tendies
>she takes me to wendies, and we discover, to her horror, that they only have nuggets now.
>REEEEE at her while shitting and pissing myself
>she rushes me home and leaves me there, saying she'll be back soon with as many tendies as I can eat
>comes home 20 minutes later with 7 orders of Popeyes tendies
>smile and thank her
>she sighs with relief and decides to take a nap after her ordeal
>Left a surprise in her bed
>in my room browsing /e/ and deviantart
>mom comes in
>"anon, we're having company round later, could you please shower"
>remind her to call me shadow killer and tell her that water burns my skin (the only liquid I can touch is mountain dew)
>"o..okay shadow killer"
>throw a piss bottle at her to frighten her into never forgetting again
>5pm now
>ask my whore mom where my chicky tendies are
>there are people here
>"everyone this is anon" says my stupid dad
>scream at him that my name is fucking shadow killer
>everyone looks tense
>"hey anon, what are you into?"
>tell them that I like hentai, mlp and 4chan
>"what's 4chan anon?"
>that's it
>attack him with my blazing shadow technique while shouting that my name's shadow killer
>he dodges and I fall into the wall,smashing through because of my weight
>use my spell attack "mortem omnibus normies"
>"what's a normie?"
>grab the shitjug I was concealing under my trench coat
>smash it over the stupid cunts head
>shit's everywhere
>remember about my chicky tendies
>hurl myself at my bitch mom
>screaming CHICKY TENDIES!!!
>she's crying
>grab her by the hair and drag her into the kitchen
>say get to work bitch
>"anon, you're 28, can't you make your own chicken tenders?"
>smash her head against the oven while screaming DARKNESS PILEDRIVE
>there's a loud snap
>go back upstairs
>check deviantart messages
>can hear ambulance sirens outside
Fucking normies.
