>put on brown rice>shit takes 50 min to cook>haven't fed the clam all week>towel down, trou down, & joy-rocket is go for launch>Houstonwehaveliftoff.mp4>no>wait>stop>DAMMIT>it's been too long, only last a few minutes>iamdisappoint.jpg>femanon, but "gifted" with 40+-min refractory period>occasionally delude self that tonight will be the night I get a twofer in a reasonable amount of time>never works>case in fucking point>drillbabydrill.gif>30 min later>arm's tired>think I'm getting close again>Suddenly, "BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEP-BEEEEEP!">clam-jammed by a boiled cereal crop>free hand is slimy>setting vibrator down is like trying to balance a pencil on its eraser>bright idea of the day: I'll flex my kegels & try to just hold it inside me>try to roll off the lofted bed>land on vibe handle>jump in pain>vibe shoots out and rolls all the way to the closet>picks up all the hair along the wayAnd that's how my dildo became a lint roller.
>be me, 18
>march 3rd, 2017
>stay up all night pacing around the room
>bought into the incredible hype for the switch
>worked with my dad installing tradeshows just to earn enough cash for this thing
>been neet since 16 so working was incredibly daunting
>my hype kept me up until 5 am
>lightly knock on my mom's door
>dont want to make my mom drive to walmart and sit through the line
>she insists that she drives me
>we arrive at walmart - 5:30 AM
>a shitload of autists camped out in their cars in the parking lot
>they've already formed a line, later learn theyve been there since 4 am
>i live the NEET lifestyle but generally don't present it
>these guys
>these fucking guys
>all of them fit the stereotypes
>1 transgender mtf who barely tries to look like a girl
>fucker looks like something out of LISA
>1 fat neckbeard with a star wars t shirt
>1 creepy asian in a hoodie
>you can imagine what the rest look like
>i ignore the line because i have a fucking brain
>i knew full well this line would break as soon as the doors opened
>some smug retard with a superman tshirt comes up to me
>"hey bud"
>don't answer
>"hey bud, wanna get in line?"
>"no"
>"but you have to"
>"guy wont leave me alone
>i explain my reasoning, he doesnt listen
>eventually i fuck off to the back of the line
>im grumbling, overtired, and surrounded by sweaty tards
>eventually, 6 am hits
>doors open, line breaks into an all out rush
>28 weeks later type of shit
>rabid autism floods the aisles of walmart
>i know the layout of the place pretty well though
>take the shortest route while most others traffic up from fat people squeezing through walkways
>end up at the line, 7th place roughly
and it begins
>im waiting patiently when i feel a tap on my shoulder
>its the asian with the hood
>"hey... i was in front of you out there..."
>i ignore him, fuck all of these people
>pachinko pulls out his phone and forces me to look at it
>he took a picture of me
>somehow this guy took a picture of me when i was behind him
>fuckingwhat.jpg
>i decide to reason with him, dont want to start anything
>we can all easily see the amount of switches they have in stock
>around 10
>im 7th, hes 8th
>ask him to do the math
>he shoves fucking past me
>oklol
>i patiently wait from here on, things go smoothly
>i hear an angry mexican guy behind me yell
>"we were in line outside what the fuck is this!?"
>i let him pass me to shut him up, hes 9th in line
>these retards cant count
>another guy taps me
>another
>guy
>"hey dude let me go ahead, its only fair"
>its smug superman
>i lol internally and ignore him
>asian guy finally gets his switch and glares at me
>i get mine shortly after, last one in stock
>debate on whether i should gloat
>keep my composure and thank god nothing happened
>smug superman gets nothing
>i go home and play zelda
>meh, its only ok
>Be me
>Be 20
>have rich uncle who owns a few nice cars
>acquire gf at college bc easy
>on winter break
>drive to uncles house with girl in my shitty '98 Civic
>sneak into his garage
>take his Ford Shelby GT
>drive way up into the mountains and park the car at a scenic overlook
>get in the back with gf and start going to town
>feel the car moving
>continue finger blasting anyway
>I forgot to set the parking brake and we are rolling
>finger blast faster
>Shelby coming 'round the mountain when she cums
