>be 17
>went to the store
>bought half gallon pickle jar
>fucking love me some pickles
>ate some pickles as soon as I got home
>tastesgoodman.pdf
>so good I decided to eat more of them
>head over to computer
>start playing vidya
>urge is not sated
>go back to life-giving pickles several more times
>start eating more pickles
>start eating several pickles at a time
>after an hour the jar is empty
>400% of my daily sodium never tasted so good
>thirty minutes later I hear a churning in my stomach
>not a light rumbling, sounds like the noise an old tub makes when you suddenly pull the drain
>initiate usain bolt sprint to bathroom
>barely get my ass on the toilet as a fucking waterfall emerges from my asshole
>never in my life has relief and horror been such close bedfellows
>after about ten seconds of continuous flow it subsides to a trickle and stops
>toilet water is green and smells like vinegar
>body didn't even try to digest that shit
>clean up and go back to playing wargame: red dragon
>thinking "thank god that's over"
>Not. Even. Close.
>five minutes later the rumbling is back
>even louder this time
>sprint to bathroom, lather, rinse, and repeat
>even louder this time
>sprint to bathroom, lather, rinse, repeat
>this happens five more fucking times
>it's finally all gone
>stomach is concave; I have never had less food inside my body
>completely cleaned out
>cue rumble
>sit on toilet but it's difference this time
>i KNOW there's nothing in there
>shit out a tiny amount of liquid, immediately feel better
>"well I guess there was just a tiny bit left, that wasn't so ba-"
>all at once the burning of a thousand young suns sets upon my anal sphincter
>I had just shat out pure stomach acid
>frantically wipe at my ass to prevent it from melting away like the spaceship floor in Alien
>crawl in shower, turn cold water on full black, and lie prone while gently sobbing
In retrospect, completely worth it
I Love me some pickles
