Tubbabubba

>be me
>driving my work truck home after a clusterfuck of a day
>just wanna sleep man.png
>waiting at the lights behind some obese woman in some loud ass gookmoble
>big ass gap coming up
>the chinless window licker just sits there, mouth agap
>head empty, belly full
>another massive gap
>ffs, this r****d spent 9 months dodging a coat hanger, they can move faster than this
>another gap, big enough to swing a f**king semi
>immovable object.exe
>toot just in case they're having a little post snack nap
>tubbabubba starts revving his little lawmower
>cankels finally decides a gap big enough to waddle her little mobility scooter through
>light turns red
>ffs

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anon gets political

>be me, 20yo politics a****t
>browse 4chan and plebbit
>"gommunism is when no iphone"
>"whatabout vuvuzela"
>try explaining communism isn't literally "dictator forever"
>get called tankie, jew, receive death threats
>fine, I'll prove them wrong myself

>get involved in unions and local politics
>coup happens
>s**t hits the fan
>hide while bros get smoked
>eventually crawl out
>"anon, we won, you should lead us"

>me, a nobody who just wanted to win an internet argument
>fine

>mass vaccination campaign
>expand education and healthcare
>build roads, housing and schools
>land reform + self-sufficient agriculture
>crack down on corruption
>make life better for the bros
>everyone starts loving me

>some salty 4channer doesn't like this
>gets me shot

>bleeding out
>realize some goblin is about to undo everything
>mfw I'm Thomas Sankara

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legal weed was a mistake

bio femanon here

> gov legalizes weed
> everyone says its harmless and you cant get addicted
> start smoking socially
> boyfriends keep bringing me weed because they know if i get high enough we usually end up having seckx
> now i smoke basically every day
> literally cant fucking stop
> hate being high half the time
> still smoke anyway

why the fuck did the government legalize this shit and then pretend there would be zero consequences

weed culture is everywhere now and everyone acts like youre insane if you say maybe making an addictive drug dirt cheap and available on every corner was a bad idea

once youre addicted quitting feels fucking impossible and nobody even takes it seriously because "lol its just weed"

weed should be banned again everywhere desu

was legalizing weed actually one of the dumbest political decisions of the last decade or is this just what "personal freedom" looks like now?

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Greentext Story #25528194

>got nosebleeds as a kid
>visited a witch doctor who performed a weird magic ritual on him
>got molested by the sister of his caretaker when he was 11 y/o
>went to university at 12 y/o and graduated at 17 y/o
>LARPed as "a son of Mars" by dressing up as a soldier
>pretended to be an alchemist, kabbalist, magician, nobleman and a Rosicrucian to seduce and have sex with women from all walks of life
>became a Freemason
>arrested by the Venetian Inquisition in 1755 for being degenerate supreme
>escaped prison with a priest
>persuaded the Ancien Regime to start a state lottery that made bank and funded the state for decades
>went on spying missions that had him adventuring in Dresden, Prague, Vienna, London, Moscow, Madrid, Constantinople
>met Voltaire, Samuel Johnson, Benjamin Franklin, Goethe, Mozart, Empress Catherine the Great, the Pope and all the cardinals
>translated the Iliad
>had a harem working for him
>seduced one of his daughters and got spurned by the other
>had sex sessions with a "libidinous nun"
>had sex with a 13 y/o Irish loli who came from a family of thieves and prostitutes
>used kabbalistic fraud to seduce a noble widow who wanted to be reborn as a boy by convincing her he could arrange for her soul to be reborn into a male child
>discovered that a eunuch castrato boy he had sex with is a female crossdresser
>remained friends with former lovers after having them married to better men and ending his affairs with them on good terms
>slept with wives and virgin fiancées alike
>guilty of pedophilia, incest, rape, adultery, fraud and espionage
>pardoned by the Venetian Inquisition after he agreed to be their secret agent
>last words on deathbed are "I have lived as a philosopher and I die as a Christian"

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Have any anons gotten gang stalked?

>2am
>one car on the road.
>turn into left turn lane.
>light turns green
>wait on other car to move straight
>turn
>red and blue Lights behind me.
>Roll down front windows
>Knocks on back windshield
>Very confused.jpg
>talks through back windows.
>"Alright, I pulled you over for not using your turn signal."
>More confused.jpg
>"were you on your phone."
>No, I guess it's just dark and early.
>"Where you coming from?"
>Tell him the truth.
>get off with a warning.
Next morning.
>Pull out of drive way.
>Reach stop sign on the same road.
>To my left, there's a cop.
>To my right, there's a cop.
>Behind me, it's a cop.
>crawl at 15 miles per hour until they abandon me.
>weird coincidence, but I guess that's it.
Next day
>drive to work.
>cops are already there
>take the back entrance.
Switch up my routes each day for a while.
>Get a call that weekend.
>"Good evening anon, I'm with the Wyoming police department."
>Sir, I've never been to Wyoming. Nor do I know anyone who has.
>"We get that a lot sir, listen, we have a pretty irate father here, have you been texting any girls?"
>Sir, if you think i got any girl's number, you already got the wrong guy.
>"Well let me jog your memory, do you know a Mia?"
>Sir, that's the name of the mass scam text, can I have your badge number or some kind of evidence proving who this is?
>"No"
hang up, move on with my life.
>monday
>Cops waiting outside my gym at the end of the day.
>Okay this has gone far enough, I'm going to wait these fuckers out and just sleep in my car.
>they arrest some other crack head.
I understand why people think they're being gang stalked now.

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Lint Roller

>put on brown rice
>shit takes 50 min to cook
>haven't fed the clam all week
>towel down, trou down, & joy-rocket is go for launch
>Houstonwehaveliftoff.mp4
>no
>wait
>stop
>DAMMIT
>it's been too long, only last a few minutes
>iamdisappoint.jpg
>femanon, but "gifted" with 40+-min refractory period
>occasionally delude self that tonight will be the night I get a twofer in a reasonable amount of time
>never works
>case in fucking point
>drillbabydrill.gif
>30 min later
>arm's tired
>think I'm getting close again
>Suddenly, "BEEEEEEP-BEEEEEP-BEEEEEP!"
>clam-jammed by a boiled cereal crop
>free hand is slimy
>setting vibrator down is like trying to balance a pencil on its eraser
>bright idea of the day: I'll flex my kegels & try to just hold it inside me
>try to roll off the lofted bed
>land on vibe handle
>jump in pain
>vibe shoots out and rolls all the way to the closet
>picks up all the hair along the way
And that's how my dildo became a lint roller.

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Switch launch

>be me, 18
>march 3rd, 2017
>stay up all night pacing around the room
>bought into the incredible hype for the switch
>worked with my dad installing tradeshows just to earn enough cash for this thing
>been neet since 16 so working was incredibly daunting
>my hype kept me up until 5 am
>lightly knock on my mom's door
>dont want to make my mom drive to walmart and sit through the line
>she insists that she drives me

>we arrive at walmart - 5:30 AM
>a shitload of autists camped out in their cars in the parking lot
>they've already formed a line, later learn theyve been there since 4 am
>i live the NEET lifestyle but generally don't present it
>these guys
>these fucking guys
>all of them fit the stereotypes

>1 transgender mtf who barely tries to look like a girl
>fucker looks like something out of LISA
>1 fat neckbeard with a star wars t shirt
>1 creepy asian in a hoodie
>you can imagine what the rest look like

>i ignore the line because i have a fucking brain
>i knew full well this line would break as soon as the doors opened
>some smug retard with a superman tshirt comes up to me
>"hey bud"
>don't answer
>"hey bud, wanna get in line?"
>"no"
>"but you have to"
>"guy wont leave me alone
>i explain my reasoning, he doesnt listen

>eventually i fuck off to the back of the line
>im grumbling, overtired, and surrounded by sweaty tards
>eventually, 6 am hits
>doors open, line breaks into an all out rush
>28 weeks later type of shit
>rabid autism floods the aisles of walmart
>i know the layout of the place pretty well though
>take the shortest route while most others traffic up from fat people squeezing through walkways
>end up at the line, 7th place roughly

and it begins

>im waiting patiently when i feel a tap on my shoulder
>its the asian with the hood
>"hey... i was in front of you out there..."
>i ignore him, fuck all of these people
>pachinko pulls out his phone and forces me to look at it
>he took a picture of me
>somehow this guy took a picture of me when i was behind him
>fuckingwhat.jpg
>i decide to reason with him, dont want to start anything
>we can all easily see the amount of switches they have in stock
>around 10
>im 7th, hes 8th
>ask him to do the math
>he shoves fucking past me
>oklol
>i patiently wait from here on, things go smoothly
>i hear an angry mexican guy behind me yell 
>"we were in line outside what the fuck is this!?"
>i let him pass me to shut him up, hes 9th in line
>these retards cant count

>another guy taps me
>another
>guy
>"hey dude let me go ahead, its only fair"
>its smug superman
>i lol internally and ignore him
>asian guy finally gets his switch and glares at me
>i get mine shortly after, last one in stock
>debate on whether i should gloat
>keep my composure and thank god nothing happened
>smug superman gets nothing
>i go home and play zelda

>meh, its only ok

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Rich uncle

>Be me 
>Be 20 
>have rich uncle who owns a few nice cars 
>acquire gf at college bc easy 
>on winter break 
>drive to uncles house with girl in my shitty '98 Civic 
>sneak into his garage 
>take his Ford Shelby GT 
>drive way up into the mountains and park the car at a scenic overlook
>get in the back with gf and start going to town 
>feel the car moving 
>continue finger blasting anyway 
>I forgot to set the parking brake and we are rolling 
>finger blast faster 
>Shelby coming 'round the mountain when she cums

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Club penguin

>be me
>playing club penguin trying to hook up with bitches 
>my mum comes in and says that after I lost her her job I should get a part time job
>I tell her to fuck off 
>she sighs 
>"I-i-t's okay, Anon. It's not your fault you're special." 
>Stupid bitch. Why does everyone need to tell me that? 
>Ffwd 1 month later 
>now she just wears really red lipstick, fishnets and short skirt and goes upstairs every night with a male friend to play 'games' with a locked door.
>lying bitch, how can we still be poor and she can still play around? 
>sometimes I hear beating and her crying.
>note to self: buy noise-cancellation headphones with GBP. 
>my tummy is hungry 
>I go upstairs and knock on the door 
>"MUMMY YOUR BEST BOY IS HUNGRY. I WANT TENDIES."
>no answer
>I put my ear against the door 
>hear them exercising 
>faggots must have put in earpiece and listening to music 
>no one fucks with my tendies 
>go to backyard 
>climb up tree outside mummy's window 
>am big-boned but tendies motivate me 
>see their silhouette behind curtain 
>he's helping her do sit ups 
>I am Enzio Auditore
>swing like pendulum and crash through window 
>I roll gracefully and crash into mummy's drawer
>don't know why they're not wearing clothes, it's not that hot
>her friend is spilling mayonnaise on her face 
>her male friend goes wtf 
>he storms out and says he'll never "spend money on a stupid whore again"
>mummy just sits there and cries 
>I bang on my chest and scream "I WANT TENDIES" 

Tfw when she left cooked tendies on the dining table before all that.

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playing league

>3 am
>12 hours into my League of Legends normie killing campaign
>playing my waifu jinx 
>some normie is obviously using hax and kills me. 
>I manage to hold back a scream. Only for my beautiful waifu
>still angry, decide to eat tendies for comfort.
>reaches to special curves
>lifts tendie fold
>no tendies, only sweat and barbie q sauce 
>pull out my sauce covered hand, screaming in rage
>why didn't mommie restock my folds yet
>screaming continues, using my rage to stand
>pukie all over keyboard from the stress 
>smell of barbie q and pukie fills the air
>how dare mommie make me look like this in front of my Jinxie
>lumber to the door, barb ba qu sauce drips down my body as it mixes with sweet.
>"MOMMIE MOMMIE YOUR SWEET BABY BOY IS HUNGRRYY"
>I can hear a panic shuffling. Mommie must know the wrong she did. 
>"MOMMIE YOU'VE BEEN BAD TO YOUR BABBY BOY"
>throws self down the stairs, my big boy bones are too heavy for the steps and the stair chair is too slow.
>My sensual rolls break my fall, leftover barby sauce squirting out as I land. 
>Mommie tries to run for the door
>she slips on the bar ba que that discharged from my store folds.
>Mommie's big dumb head hits coffeetable then floor
>"Mommie mommie"
>I poked mommie with saucey finger
>dumb cunt doesn't wake up, lying in barba quey sauce
> I must have spilled ketchup too
>Red sauce everywhere
>go to the freezer 
>start shoving tendies into my folds to heat
>refuse to use oven like some useless mommie
>step over mommie and squeeze into stair chair. 
>Stair chair whirls loudly 
>Mommy still not up. 
>roll back to computer
>my team lost while I was dealing with mommie
>fucking pleb normies
>looking at Jinx makes my tinkie feel spicy
>use my slippy sauce covered hand to make my tinkie feel extra spicy. 
>tinke pukies on keyboard
>goes to the chan to find more pictures to make my tinkie spicey
>next day mommys still sleeping
>bitch

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New daddy

>Wake up at 9pm after a particularly exhausting Minecraft session
>tummy is making hungry noises
>navigate my way out of my room through the piles of weewee jugs and trash
>make my way downstairs, peek into the living room
>mummy and new daddy are doing a special backwards hug on the sofa like uncle phil showed me once
>new daddy is making funny sounds like a steam train
>don't care, hungry
>"MUMMY MAKE ME BREKKIE BREK"
>mummy screams, new daddy swears and nearly falls off the sofa like a silly
>says to mummy "why is that retard still living here, isn't he like 30"
>I don't like being called a retard
>not since the incident with the toddler in mcdonalds
>feel my inner wolf break loose
>let out a mighty howl and try to rip off my creeper hoodie
>not strong enough in my hunger-weakened state
>new daddy is laughing, I'll fucking show him
>pull down my crusty cargo shorts and grab my tingly tummy tendie
>"GOLDEN WHIRLWIND, GO GO GO"
>start spinning like a beyblade and weeing as hard as I can
>mummy is screaming and crying, new daddy swears even louder and tries to grab me
>dodge him with my veteran CS reflexes but fall because I'm dizzy from malnourishment
>new daddy gets me in a headlock and starts punching me in the tummy
>he doesn't know I've been saving a satisfying tendie-and-dew-fuelled doodie for later
>bum explodes like a fat man in fallout 3 (I don't play 4 because it doesn't have my waifu Moira)
>new daddy is covered in doodie, he looks like a swamp monster
>he lets go and starts vomiting
>mummy is on the phone, I think she's calling 911, new daddy is trying to make her put the phone down and shouting something about "the meth you dumb bitch"
>crawl to the kitchen, everything is spinning and I feel faint
>"MUMMY MAKE TENDIES" I manage to shout before blacking out
>wake up locked inside the basement bad-boy cage next to a plate of hot tendies
>new daddy is gone

great success

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never choose nuggies over tendies

>be at Burger King
>they have $1.49 for 10 nuggets deal
>this means I can order more nuggies!
>time to load up
>decide to get 200
>make ma-ma do the conversion from USD to GBP
>only 60 Good Boy Points for 200 nugnugs!
>I clean out their nuggie saucies (costs 0 GBP so I order extra, 1 sauce packet per 2 nuggies)
>my table looks like the famous Scarface scene but with nuggies instead of cocaine
>scarf down my nuggers n' sauce while ma-ma plays Candy Crush on her phone (shitty pleb game)
>mum tells me to slow down else I get a tum-tum ache
>stupid bitch thinks she can tell me what to do
>later that night I wake up with a big hurty poo
>rush-waddle to bathroom
>trip and fall before I reach toilet
>laying on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out and pooping all over the floor
>1 hour later i clean myself up in the toilet bowl and wake up mommy to clean my poopies
>didn't get my 50 GBP for sleeping through the night
>lose the 30 daily GBP bonus I get for keeping my poo-poos in the toilet
>can't go to sleep now
>do peepee fun rubby-squirty on the Baby Bop pages of my Barney and Friends picture book
>miss the pages and and get pee-pee mayonnaise all over my bedsheets
>mums get upset when she sees the stains and takes away the rest of my GBP
And that's why you never choose nuggies over tendies

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