>be 17>everybody thinks im a autistic retard>hanging out with pjotr at school reading manga>pjotr show me a local porn magazine from he's hometown in lithuania>girl in magazine looks like some sort of dog>get kind of turned on>jerk for days to bastility porn>2guys1horse>harrytruman.gif>after beating the old slab for some weeks i decide to get laid>no girls wants to talk to me>me and pjotr get drunk of potato vodka in my backyard>pjotr is passed>no>suddenly hear dog>instanterectìon>sneak into neighbours yard>see the little puddle in a lesh>take my pants off>dick in vagina>ohgodimcuming>neighbour lights suddenly on>they are coming out>ohshit>pull out my dick>full of shit>run while im cuming>faceplant and tazered >parents come out to see me>fucknoLater had to move to my aunt in florida
> be me 16
> we had just started the year and the school decided to give each of us macbooks for work
> they loaded them with Microsoft and photoshop programs thinking we needed them
> we literally only used them for facebook during classes
> fuckThePolice.png
> fast forward 2 months
> everyone had gotten used to using macs and the programs
> one day we find this autistic german kid’s usb device in Biology class
> decide to give to nerd kid to check it out
> crowd forms around nerd kids macbook as he opens the usb files
> there is a bunch of random files like ‘movies’ and ‘manga’
> we find one word document titled ‘DO NOT ENTER’
> ohgawdwhy.gif
> this makes us all laugh, everyone in hysterics of how obvious this is
> nerd kid opens the word file to make sure
> what we see next gives us all ptsd intantly
> in this word document was thousands upon thousands of porn pictures
> each is a photoshop of him fucking Katy Perry
> he made it look like he was fucking katy perry
> this cunt had perfected this as a skill
> autistic German kid is sitting at the front of the class watching animu
> Idea.senpai
> we tell everyone except the autist to start playing katy perry on there macs on specific signal
> the signal was when jock kid says “hey anon, I didn’t know you knew katy perry”
> everyone gets ready
> complete silence from everyone
> jock sounds the signal
> shitty katy perry songs blunder throughout the classroom
> autist german embarrassed as fuck
> yells at jock and tries to display his manly rape urges
> teacher is angry as fuck, tells everyone to turn off the music
> no one abides
> autism of german kid intensifies
> spaghetti falls out of his pockets
> looks at nerd kid, say “I will end you inferior being”
> runs away from the school
> we all get detention, worth it baby
> 3 weeks later he kills himself
mfw we made someone kill themselves
mfw they played a katy perry song at his funeral
>be me>be working in burger king (fast food) >just launch new oreo shake>red velvet flavor>sweetfuckallmightyit'sgood.bmp>everyone in restaraunt agrees it's fucking awesome>i love it>make my fucking teeth red but fuck it>have four shakes before boss cuts me off> "Anon you cant eat all of the product blah blah blah">stomach full of oreo-milkshake godliness >feelsgoodman.jpg>i had a nice day at work>get home that night>feeling horny as fuck>pull out pc and start to spank it to some pronz>realise that it's time for anal>naked, searching around house for things to jam up my ass>find some sharpies>six sharpies
>yis.jpg
>back in room, having a fuckfest sliding shapires in and out
>sudden terror
>i have five sharpies
>no.png
> begin frantically searching around with fingers in my own ass
>nothing
>start panicking
>turn lights on
>bed is covered in blood
>covered nigga
>covered
>scared shitless
>go to bathroom, try to force marker out into toilet
>nothing coming out but shit
>end up taking a nice wet greasy dump
>shitting for a good 20mins, reading a hunting magazine
>practically forget about bloody sharpie expedition
>look into toilet
>red
>all fucking red
>how am i not dead, that alot of blood
>freak out, crying,
>call 911, screaming
>dispatcher says to calm down
>i embarassingly explain the nature of my distress
>she's telling me to calm down still, i'm hyperventilating
>wait
>WAIT
>WAIT ONE GOD DAMNED MINUTE
>THERES THE 6TH MARKER
>IT'S DRY
>WHY AM I BLEEDING OUT THE ASS?
>hang up on 911>
>that god damned shake
>THE MILKSHAKE
>THAT FUCKING MILKSHAKE MADE MY SHIT RED
>realize police are inbound
>fuck
>hide in woods next to my house,
>cops and ambulance searching for me
>cry in shame for three hours
>go back inside house
>sleep
>mfw
god i love milkshakes
>be 8-9>riding my bike outside like i usually do around the yard>just being a dumb kid doing retarded shit>noting here that i have a completely white tshirt on>cat walking around the yard being a smug asshole as usual>decide to pick him up while riding bike cause why not>hes freaking out and scratching me >chillthefuckout.jpeg>he gets so nervous that he shits all over my white tshirt>not just any normal shit>not your everyday shit>watery diarrhea all over my nice white tshirt>soaking and drenched in kitty diarrhea at this point>freaking the fuck out>go full force on bike as cat jumps off of me and runs away>slam into the brick wall of my house>accidentally fall off seat >nuts hit the bike seat as a i bostonbomb into the fucking brick wall on my bike >mfw i am on the ground choking up tears covered in cat diarrhea while my nuts hurt like the fiery hell that awaits me >diarrheaCATastrophe.betamax
>be me
>high school
>autistic beta stoner virgin
>been friendzoned for 2 years by a 8/10 blonde with amazing boobs
>always had a crush on her but never said anything
>one day we are talking on aim
>out of the blue she says ”anon, have you ever had sex high?”
>almost cum on my keyboard
>we’ve never talked about sex and she doesn’t smoke
>”no, i haven’t. why?”
>”because i’ve always wanted to… do you want to try it?”
>try to say yes without sounding too excited
>not sure if i am dreaming
>next day she comes over
>we smoke in my room
>after the J is out we get into my awkward twin sized bed
>start to make out
>itsfinallyhappening.png
>first girl I’ve ever kissed, not sure what to do
>”anon, why are you doing it so weird?”
>”oh… its just cause I’m really high”
>she’s not buying it, she can tell I’ve never kissed a girl
>can’t think of anything to say to get her in the mood
>repeatedly try kissing and expecting her to just get naked
>her autism detectors are blaring
>she makes up an excuse to leave and shuffles out
>my room is still hotboxed and smoke pours out into my house
>parents come home early from work, smell my mids
>catch me high and make me tell them what happened
>ground me for a month for smoking, take my phone and computer
>they go to her house and tell her parents we were smoking weed
>no longer friends with her
>didn’t get laid until 2 years later
>tfw
