>be me two weeks ago
>bored and lonely on sunday
>tfw no gf
>atleastihavemaryjane.flp
>smoke a couple bowls
>decide to go for a walk
>in 10 minutes, an incredible scent hits me
>it's a new burger king
>aw yuss
>order 30 chicken nuggets because munchies
>girl at the till totally knew
>it's pretty busy, but I have nothing to do, so I sit at a table and wait
>a cold breeze blows through the door
>you can basically hear the AvP Requiem theme
>a man in his 40s comes in and turns back to the door
>he's cooing "come on, it's alright" in a really soft voice
>the cups rattle on the tables
>the floor shakes
>a massive female tard waddles in
>massive as in massively retarded AND massively fat
>fucking gigantic, how is that thing capable of locomotion?
>in 1 minute, an indescribable scent hits me
>it's like the smega of a thousand niggers baked in a cake of shit marinated in old fish and despair
>megatard finally reaches the counter with what seems to be her father
>"what do you want honey?"
>she looks past the menu and into the kitchen, where someone is frying fries
>a look of absolute horror covers her face
>I'll never understand what, if anything, is going on in that head of hers
>qt brings my nuggets, but I'm feeling kind of disgusted
>tard point to three combos
>that's three burgers, three American sized drinks, three cups of ice cream and like a kg of fries
>"deddy ah want that ones"
>"that's a lot of food, are you sure you'll eat it?"
>nigga do you see the size of her?
>megatard not pleased
>"AH WANT THAT ONES AH WANT THAT ONES!"
>whole place is staring
>high me finds this hilarious
>poor guy looks flustered
>"okay honey okay, you can have those ones"
>tard smiles a smile of triumph
>it's the bitchiest smile ive ever seen. The smile of someone who knows she can get whatever she wants
>they order and sit at a table near me
>I start eating my delicious, blended, battery-raised chickens
>run out of tomato sauce
>tards number must have been called as I got up
>I'm closer to the counter and as I reach for the extra sauce, I don't notice that their food is right next to it
>I hear a rumbling
>suddenly shoved away by what feels like Mike Tyson
>nope, it's megatard
>sauce all over me
>"HE WUZ TAKIN MAH CHEPS!"
>get up, a little dazed
>her father comes over and apologizes
>"it's fine, I understand"
>doesn't say a thing to the tard, just gets their tray and goes to their table, tard follows
>whole place staring again
>go to the bathroom and find that the only tap is in the disabled people cubicle
>busy wiping sauce off my pants when suddenly the outside door quietly opens
>hear footsteps, figure it's some guy from the store
>large space under the door
>see redwoods waddle past
>nope, it's megatard
>how
>I'm trying to be very quiet
>try to sit on the toilet and raise my legs so she doesn't see me
>why the fuck is she here?
>as I lean back, I accidentally push the flush button
>oh fuck fuck fuck
>monster stampedes in front of the stall
>hear whispers
>"pssswwshh"
>...
>stay silent
>"ah sormi"
>decide to say something, it has already cornered me anyway
>"sorry, what was that?"
>my voice is shaking
>"AHM SOWWY FER PUSHING YOOOOOOO!"
>don't care, just leave please
>"that's okay, I'm fine"
>OKAY
>it's shouting every word
>how is nobody else hearing this?
>did it eat everyone else?
>she leaves
>I finish cleaning up
>itsfinallyover.cxb
>nope
>just as I'm about to leave the bathroom, an ungodly shriek from the depths of oblivion pierces the air
>image ten cats in a line, having a hot wire dragged along all their backs at once
>not going out there no fucking way
>hear people running around
>lots of talking
>SCREEEEECH
>another banshee shriek
>just sit there and wait it out
>after about 10 minutes everything seems normal
>go back out and megatard is nowhere to be seen
>ask counterqt what happened
>apparently megatard slipped and fell onto a table, scaring the couple there and squishing their food
>it hurt it's arm and it's father panicked or something
>look to the table and see the squashed remains of two meals, sauce fucking everywhere
>go back to my table and retrieve my nuggets
>walk home
>pass out on couch
The end
>be 17
>be working as a cashier at Price Chopper (grocery chain in the northeast US)
>really need to take a shit but can't because it's busy
>spot "John from the Diner"
>John from the Diner is a loose-cannon 50 year old severe retard who is cared for by his 80 year old mother/wrangler who ferries him everywhere
>he is called John from the Diner because he frequented a small diner in the area
>he would scare the shit out of customers with his loudness and try to physically assault waitresses
>anyway, spot John from the Diner and get a little spooked
>pray to the gods that he doesnt go through my register
>supervisor approaches me
>"hey anon, you can go on your break now"
>relieved, that way John from the Diner would be checked out and gone by the time I got back from break
>clock out for break, go to the bathroom
>it's the only bathroom in the store, two urinals and one stall
>be in the bathroom for a minute or so and hear the door open
>hear slow footsteps coming towards my stall
>*BANG BANG*
>OH SHIT THAT MUST BE JOHN
>John from the Diner just pounded on my flimsy bathroom stall door as hard as he fucking could
>John from Diner lets out a grunt of displeasure
>"UHNNNHHHHH"
>*BANG BANG BANG*
>heart is racing, scared to come out
>John from the Diner grows impatient and leaves the bathroom
>I wipe my ass as quickly as possible but it's one of those "whole roll" type of shits
>John from the Diner returns to the bathroom and once again beats on the stall door
>*BANG BANG*
>"UNHGGGHHH!!!!!"
>finish wiping, open stall door
>John from the Diner is pissed the fuck off
>John from the Diner grabs me by the collar of my shirt and pulls back his arm
>I sit there in shock as I am about to be beaten by a massive retard
>Just before he strikes, the manager walks into bathroom and pulls John from the Diner away
>his poor old mother pleads with the manager not to call the police on him
>I have not seen John from the Diner since
>Be 12 years ago
>Be 17
>Be in high school
>The school Janitor was an asshole
>School is located in Florida
>Ghetto as fuck school
>like I said, the janitor was an asshole
>Complaints of the janitor insulting people based on race
>School ignores it
>I walk down the hall one day
>See for myself the dumb fuck janitor bullying people walking down the hall
>Calls this 14 year old black kid a disgusting nigger
>Said 14 year old was my brother
>I'm fuming mad
>I know what I have to do..
>I walk into the bathroom and locate a toilet with a turd in it
>Its the grossest toilet i've ever seen, mushed turd sliding against the toilet walls
>Urines also caked and dried all over the toilet walls
>Evil Smile
>I go back to class
>Pay 4 of my friends 10 dollars each to shit in all 3 toilets and not flush
>2 hours later they do it
>Its lunch break
>I walk to my car in the parking lot and start searching for rocks
>Find a few small rocks that fit in my hand
>Smuggle them to the bathroom
>Set my backpack on the wall next to a urinal (don't know why I thought that would be smart)
>See all the toilets have warm shit in them, along with the 1st toilet that already had shit in it
>Start dropping the rocks into the toilet
>Rocks are blocking up the toilet
>Start flushing crazily on all of them
>2 minutes later they all start to overflow
>I walk to the bathroom door with a smile on my face
>I turn around to see about 8 turds all slide across the ground as the urine stream following it makes its way to the walls and door
>I realize the spill might go out onto the hall
>Oh god is it really that bad?
>I run into one of the stalls and see a tornado of turd buildup in the toilet
>I start running for my backpack
>I trip on the wet floor
>Faceplant onto the wet floor breaking my fucking nose
>I get up, covered in shit, with a broken bloody nose...
>walk out
>walk to my car about to drive home to shower
>Remember my backpack, which had my car keys
>Run inside the school
>Teachers are trying to close the door and seal it shut so no more shit comes out..
>One teacher spots me
>I literally have a turd smashed into my shoulder and my body is soaking from other peoples urine
>My nose is smashed up and blood literally leaks onto the floor
>Ask teacher to open the door
>Teacher refuses
>I ask where the janitor is and why he isn't cleaning this up
>"Oh he went off duty 1 hour ago"
>TFW I pretty much did that for no reason
>TFW the school reviewed security tapes for the hall and forever has a video of me crying as I leave the bathroom covered in shit and blood
>TFW they recovered the backpack HOURS later and it was covered in feces
>TFW I came home covered in shit, blood, and leaking from urine.. With a backpack full of feces and destroyed possessions
>TFW I HAD to dig inside my feces covered backpack to get my keys
>TFW my dad was in the shower when I got home and I had to go to the hospital because of my nose first
>Go to hospital covered in shit, urine, and with a broken nose
>TFW My mom never even questioned it
>Be me
>In tenth grade
>Newtownfag
>Obviously tards around here are a bit frowned upon because of Lanza and his crazy antics
>Meet this tard kid
>Name is Todd
>Pretty cool kid, not a real tard like some other kids in our school
>Has high funtioning autism, so he's pretty smart
>Our school has a tech team that Lanza was a part of so Todd fits right in
>Todd and I become fast friends
>He still has some odd quirks, one of them is breaking chairs
>One day I walk into the tech room and find Todd inside
>He's sitting in a chair minding his own business
>Turn around for five fucking seconds
>Massive crash
>What the hell??
>Todd broke the chair
>Not just in like an "Oops I'm a tard" way
>He sat in the chair and it collapsed
>Kaythen.webm
>Next day the same thing happens
>And the next day
>And so forth
>Todd breaks five fucking chairs
>In a week
>But this was just the beginning, Todd was going to shock us all
>Four months into school
>Almost Christmas break
>Todd and I share a chemistry class
>There's this other kid who we share a class with, name is Wilson
>Wilson's a full-on weeaboo faggot, has an anime background on his computer and draws My Little Pony fanart
>Wilson thinks Todd and him are friends
>Todd thinks otherwise
>Wilson asks to be his partner for a chem lab
>Todd responds in the most monotone voice
>"Wilson I'm sorry you and I are not friends I do not like you and I think you are annoying as fuck. Please leave me alone."
>Silence
>Wilson is speechless
>I am speechless
>Todd goes back to work
>After the chem incident learn that Todd has a 504 plan
>Autism thing
>Cool.jpg
>Realize that Todd is actually fucking hilarious
>Become even better friends
>IloveTodd.jpeg
>Fast forward to January
>Me and Todd are hanging in the tech room cause we have no lives
>Begin talking about love interests and shit
>Turns out Todd has a crush on some girl
>Let's call her T
>Todd likes T but isn't too sure about confessing because of Aspergers
>Decide to give Todd a confidence boost
>Tell him he's real fucking cool and that he can do whatever he wants
>Todd agrees and goes to ask T out
>It would turn out to be the biggest mistake of our lives
>Todd asks T out
>She says yes, yay for Todd
>The tard gets the girl, but I didn’t think much farther than that
>Todd and T don’t do many couple things
>In fact, they don’t do anything at all
>Todd and T are existent only in name
>Tell Todd to make a move, Todd hesitantly agrees
>One day Todd and T are in the tech room when me and my gf walk in
>Show Todd and T how to make out, over exaggerate a lot
>Remember, my friends, Todd has autism/aspergers
>Exaggeration is a no-no
>Leave the tech room after T plants a kiss on Todd’s cheek
>Dissapointed
>The next day Todd walks up to me
>”We did it”
>What?
>”We made out”
>I am happy for my tard friend, and I congratulate him
>I think this could be a new chapter in his tard life, and I hope I helped him fro the better
>But oh, am I wrong
>Talked to T the same day, turns out Todd’s definition of making out and mine are very different
>Todd grabbed her head
>And licked her face
>Not like a hormone fueled lick, but a long slow drag
>Over and over
>Todd what have you done
>mfw I ruined Todd’s relationship
>mfw T got with some loser named Jordan who was a year younger less than a month later
>mfw Todd is back to being single and depressed and sad
>be me 15
>going on a bike ride with my 14 year old friend because we were /fit/
>after passing many land whales in cares and the local food join in our town we get to a place called lambs farm
>lambs farm is a place for retarded people where they can live in peace away from normal people even though its surrounded by highways so it's noisy as shit
>me and my friend ride in and stop at a soda machine
>thirsty.jpg
>spend the next hour trying to get into it since we have no cash
>we see a fridge next to it filled with diet root beer
>try to open it
>fuck it's locked
>then spend next 15 min trying to shove things in the key hole to make it open
>I try to pry the door out so I can snap the rusty lock off the fridge
>success the soda is mine
>me and my friend start drinking the soda with relief
>tard then walks towards us startling at least 40 geese stepping in their shit along the way
>asks us in a slurred retarded way what are u goiiise doing hur?
>my friend says some shit about me having lung problems when we were riding bikes
>the fucker buys it and leaves
>we Finnish the soda and dump the other ten soda cans left in the case in the soda machine
>shove cans in to but my hands get wet with soda
>I then decide to washy hands at the tard gift shop
>I enter and a non(mentally disabled) black land whale security guy is eating an ice cream cone
>I ask him where the bathroom is and he points while his flabby arms
>wash hands and then leave the place with my friend and me laughing our asses off
>mfw we stole soda from retards
>mfw the one fucker never caught us
>mfw the place had a security guard who didn't do shit
>be me 19
>have to repeat senior year, cuz was in mental hospitals for depression and anger previous year
>be lut in "private highschool" thats fucking shit
>its a dumping ground for regional countys, to put there retarded, emotionally disturbed, ghettoscym, and rendeck inbredtrash when there to lazy to deal with them.
>in lunch one day, local tard named bobby waves to me
>have fucking unnatural hate for tards
>flick off bobby, with biggest middle finger imaginable
>bitch teachers see, give me a warning
>sit down with some fat fucking ugly chick, cuz i feel bad for her, and at the time was the only sensable kid in school there(have story about her later, if u want).
>she complains about this autistic fuck named connor, always calling her fat
>hadenoughofthsishit.jpeg
>connot sitting just behind her, try to tell him to fuck off my friend
>he ignores me, so i slam the book outta his face.
>fucking tard charges at me, stunned at first to how things escalated so quickly
>rage kicks in, beat the fuckig shit outta scarwny bigheaded tard, whom i shit you not had the head of a twenty year old, but the body of a 6th grader.
>get seperated from him, he calls me a bitch, and pops of the leg of this comfor t toy i have(its on a balljoint, so it wadnt eeally broken, per say).
>this bitch isnt getting away with this, no one hurts scarface and calls me a bitch
>get detention for a day, let off with a warning
>be few days later
>insisting to "apoligize" to connor
>find him in hallways
>tell him i want to speak to him
>he says something along the lines of "i dont wanna speak to you, fuck off dummy".
>i yell that i need to soeak with you, turn hinaround, and sockerpunch tardy in the face
>beat the fuckjng shit outta the soerglord again, feel fucking enraged and powerful
>finally get suspended from that
>and thats how i got my addiction to fighting people
>be me in lunchroom
>talking to what meager friends i have, in that miserable school
>some ghetto cunt makes a joke, about my butt crack showing
>i ask which one of u bastards said that?
>apeish bitch stands up, as if to challenge me
>nottakinghisshit.jpeg
>throw waterbottle, hits him in the fucking face
>his ghetto bitch friend demonte, who became somewhat a rival in school, tries to push me down the floor.
>little bitch his trying to hold my arms outve the way, cuz he cant stand a punch.
>puncehd him in the face atleast ince by this point, he kncks me on the floor, and te teachers hold me back from strangling him
>i shout at him and call him a nigger, which in hindsight was bad, as i do have some black friends, and feel sorta bad for this.
>i get suspended for the incident, and im banned from eating in the lunch room.
>be last day of school
>olaying with autistic younger kids, who see me as their reject king(as i was known in the school, as the edgy cunt who hated almost everybody).
>demontes being a nignog, hitting all the doors and cakking my name through the window.
>realize ill never get this chance again
>open the door, and fucking pumpslap his black ass.
>he starts going ape on me, i beat his cottonpucking ass, teachers seperate us
>this time i dont call him a nigger, but say hes a ghetto monkey instead.
>MFW that was the last straw, and im technically banned from the school
>luckially it was only days, aftwr funally getting my fucking diploma
>Be me at movies with family
>watching the new Mission Impossible
>Waiting for movie to start when a wild Down Syndroid with prosthetic leg walks in with sister/mother/wrangler
>Tard uses eegul visun to search for seats
>sees seat next to me
>before he could use his thooper thpeed to get to my seat sis comes back with drinks and sits next to me.
>Tard stares at sister and gives death glare
>lets out a primal grunt and walks back to sis/mom/wrangler
>sister looks mortified, gives me my drink and settles into her seat.
>Tard fails to locate seat as movie starts and begins to unleash his inner beast.
>lets out the most gutteral and bestial screech ever heard by mans ears
> grabs someones nacho platter (in a "old town" movie theater with meals) and slams it into someone a row ahead of us
> staff scramble and try to calm the downsy beast
> Tard's family grabs someones popcorn and bribe the rabid thing with promises of buttered goodness
> actually fucking works
>Tard stares at popcorn and mumbles "pawpcone"
> Manager rushes in and demands the family to leave
> offers everyone a free large popcorn and drink as apology for the mass freakout
> popcorn was pretty good
>Be in senior year of high school.
>Folks are psyched about me graduating. (Only child.)
>Assume everything is in order to graduate.
>familyguygoodgood.gif
>Grades/Transcript arrive in mail while folks are at work.
>1.5 credits short…
>FUCK
>Begin to have a mild panic attack as parents have already paid for cap, gown, class ring, ect. (All non-refundable btw.)
>Next-door neighbor (Who happens to be a special ed. teacher at my high school, and a bro-tier guy) hears me and asks what’s wrong.
>After I explain he takes a moment to think, then snaps his fingers.
>”Hey, I’ve got an idea Anon! Why don’t you sign up to be an S.T.A.(Student Teacher Assistant) for my class? It’s worth 2.0 credits!”
>Be apprehensive, because his class is the problem tard class.
>Teacher-Bro senses this and says, “And don’t worry, you won’t actually have to work with the students. The most I’ll have you do is grade a few papers now and then. I’ll even let you work on your other class work and listen to your iPod.
>While still a little doubtful I agree, and next semister it’s time for my first day as an S.T.A.
>Walk into class and scan the room.
>The tards seem split into two groups, a large male group of 12, (Near the front of classroom/teachers desk) and a smaller female group of 6. (At the back of classroom near the door.)
>Teacher-Bro notices me and calls me to the front of classroom to introduce me.
>As he talks, most of the tards ignore us and continue their “discussions?” except for one female tard, who seems to look at me with a strange expression, but I’m not sure she is looking at me, as she has a lazy eye.
>Teacher-Bro finishes my intro, and asks me to take a seat.
> I move to an isolated corner desk back to the corner, turn on my iPod (with earbuds hidden by my hoodie) at a low volume and begin on an assignment from another class.
>5 minuets into class and I start hearing the tards over my music. Think to self - “Whatever, I’ll just turn up the volume.” Do so without looking up.
>10 minutes later I hear tards again. Head down volume up.
>Another 5 minutes pass and more tard noise. Realize volume is at 75%. Think, “Damn these tards are loud. But I’m on a roll with this homework, sooo…..” Max volume, head down, keep working.
Now I’d like to stop here and say that in hindsight, at that LAST juncture I probably SHOULD have looked up.
>After another 3-5 minuets I feel the need to piss.
>I close my textbook, put down my pen, and just as I look up…
>A shoe lands across my face.
>At first I was stunned I hadn’t had a shoe thrown at me since kindergarten when some kid was having a temper tantrum.
>When I finally gathered my wits and looked around, what I saw was a full retard shitstorm.
>Directly in front of me were 8 of the male tards who seemed to be yelling at me. (My iPod was still on full blast and I couldn’t hear them.)
>Behind them, the remaining 4 tard males were holding/pinning Teacher-Bro in his chair.
>The female tards were in front of the door unintentionally blocking it, while they seemed to be consoling the now crying female tard that was starring at me.
> As I looked on at the scene before me, the largest of the tard males stepped forward from the crowd, yelling and cursing.
>I gave him a confused look, seeking to find an explanation, but this seemed to only anger him further.
>He then bent down and began to take off his shoe, and I knew just what he planed to do with it.
At this point I had been hit in the face with one filthy retard shoe. I WASN’T GOING TO PUT UP WITH A SECONED.
>With all his strength, the alpha-tard threw his shoe at my head, and all in one motion I dodged the size 14-wide, it hit the wall behind me, and before it fell to the ground I grabbed it and winged it back at him, it’s heel-landing right at the bridge of his nose, completely knocking him out.
>The following sight was like David felling Goliath.
>Without their leader the tards quickly surrendered, Teacher-Bro called school security and they arrived shortly, the vice-principal with them.
>It was then I learned the whole story.
Apparently the female tard who was starring at me, decided that she liked me. While I was working she tried to confess to me, she couldn’t see that I had earbuds in and took me not noticing her as me ignoring/rejecting her and began to cry. The male tards saw this and decided I needed to be punished leading to the situation. Teacher-Bro covered for me, telling the vice-principal I wasn’t to blame, and I got off scot-free. In fact as an apology, Teacher-Bro allowed me to spend my time in that period in the teachers lounge for the remainder of the school year, while still getting the 2.0 credits. So I spent half the year chilling in the teachers lounge, got to graduate on time, and all I had to do was spend 1 DAY in that classroom.
