Soap Squirter

>Be me in science a long time ago
>Doing a experiment with chemicals n shit
>Have to wash hands with soap after
>My retarded ass thinks i'm hilarious
>Slaps soaped hands together
>"hueh im a otr"
>Soap flies off
>direct hit on a 9/10 girls eyes
>Ohshitnigger.jpg
>Her eyes start welling up
>Dont know what do
>Starts fake laughing
>"HAHAHAHAHA"
>Dont know how to apologize
>Dries hands and walks back to seat
>Talking to friends about rappers hand movements when they rap
>"Hey anon, did you get soap in my friends eyes?"
>"Yeah" 
>locks eyes with 9/10
>HAHAHAHAHAHA
>I do it again
>half the class near her
>deathstares.jpg
>feeling terrible but laughing it off
>friends are oblivious to whats going on
>teacher is oblivious 
>Glances at her
>another eye lock
>you know it
>HAHAHAHAHAHA
>Class ends
>She has to go down to nurse
>Next day
>Have homeroom with her
>Eye looks like someone tried to gouge it out
>itsjustsoap
>sit next to her
>she sits there looking at me
>I can see the pain
>For some reason i find this hilarious 
>Starts laughing
>"Is her pain that funny to you?"
>"Ye-no"
>Decide its time to stop being beta cuck
>Goes up to her
>"Sorry for uh"
>"Jizzing on you there"
>Ohshitniggerwhatisay
>Blank stares
>"I mean uh"
>Sorry for squirting on your hole there
>whatamisaying
>Here comes the sweat
>keep thinking of the white soap
>Can you guess what comes next
>HAHAHAHAHAHAH
>internalsuicide.jpg
>My friends have backed off
>Who hasn't by then
>still staring at me
>Teacher walks in
>still couldn't apologize 
>act normal rest of day
>New day
>Decide im going to get it this time
>Homeroom starts
>All seems normal
>9/10 walks in
>group of friends behind her
>Getting ready at my seat
>Get up
>Walk over to her
>"Look, anon-"
>Blocked by her friends
>"We dont want you near anon"
>"But i want to say sorry"
>"You'll probably make her cry again"
>Again.jpg
>No more
>Push past them
>Surprisingly easy when they don't want to touch you 
>Go up to her
>I notice her eye is less swollen
>Swollen.jpg
>whitesoap.jpg
>Hold back laughter
>"Alright anon, i want to say sorry"
>"Its okay"
>Forgiven?
>"Are you sure?"
>Her friends are just staring at me
>My friends walk in and notice whats going on
>"Yeah its fine, i dont mind"
>Feel relief
>rest of the day is normal
>Known as soap squirter for the rest of the year
>never talked to 9/10 again
>Still chuckle when i think back to it

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The internet

>around 2005
>Just started doing a course in media or some shit
>Tons of emo kids and wannabe actors/ people who watched pulp fiction and thought "i could do that"
>One little faggot always went on about the internet
>over 9000 etc
>would spout stupid jokes and say shit like he was in a secret club
>had that fucking banana phone song as his ring tone etc
>this shit went on for weeks, for some reason he became attached to me
>every fucking day he'd follow me to lunch n shit
>would grab food of peoples plates and say shit like "all your chips are belong to us"
>I'd had enough and needed a way to shut him up
>the whole pedobear/fox news/ lulz shit was happening here at the time
>kid went on about how he was changing the world through the internet..
>I finally realized he was so retarded because he found /b/
>asked to borrow his notes
>we had to show our notes to the tutor every week to make sure we were keeping up with the work load.
>fill kid's notes with pedobear pics and fucking dial soap print outs.
>friday comes, still have kid's notes, tell him i'll hand em in for him.
>tutor starts flicking through notes while we watch stand by me for some stupid reason
>movie stops
>she put's kids notes on the overhead projector
>"what is all this anon?"
>kid answers "i-i-it's pedobear miss.."
>whole class is laughing, tutor looks like someone dick slapped her
>gets up and pulls kid out of the room.. he looks back at me for support
>I smile and shout after him
>"the game"
>kid gets removed from the class for the rest of the year, everyone else is finally getting work done.

He tried to explain it in a meeting that was held, his mum was called in. Just imagine explaining loli and pedobear to your mother and 3 other people. Ha.

And that was the only time I showed my power level

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Pickles

>be me
>be 17
>went to the store
>bought half gallon pickle jar
>fucking love me some pickles
>ate some pickles as soon as I got home
>tastesgoodman.pdf
>so good I decided to eat more of them
>head over to computer
>start playing vidya 
>urge is not sated
>go back to life-giving pickles several more times
>start eating more pickles
>start eating several pickles at a time
>after an hour the jar is empty
>400% of my daily sodium never tasted so good
>thirty minutes later I hear a churning in my stomach
>not a light rumbling, sounds like the noise an old tub makes when you suddenly pull the drain
>initiate usain bolt sprint to bathroom
>barely get my ass on the toilet as a fucking waterfall emerges from my asshole
>never in my life has relief and horror been such close bedfellows
>after about ten seconds of continuous flow it subsides to a trickle and stops 
>toilet water is green and smells like vinegar
>body didn't even try to digest that shit
>clean up and go back to playing wargame: red dragon
>thinking "thank god that's over"
>Not. Even. Close.
>five minutes later the rumbling is back
>even louder this time
>sprint to bathroom, lather, rinse, and repeat
>even louder this time
>sprint to bathroom, lather, rinse, repeat
>this happens five more fucking times
>it's finally all gone
>stomach is concave; I have never had less food inside my body
>completely cleaned out
>cue rumble
>sit on toilet but it's difference this time
>i KNOW there's nothing in there
>shit out a tiny amount of liquid, immediately feel better
>"well I guess there was just a tiny bit left, that wasn't so ba-"
>all at once the burning of a thousand young suns sets upon my anal sphincter
>I had just shat out pure stomach acid
>frantically wipe at my ass to prevent it from melting away like the spaceship floor in Alien
>crawl in shower, turn cold water on full black, and lie prone while gently sobbing

In retrospect, completely worth it
I Love me some pickles

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Ned

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sudden poop

>Be me
>Be 2013 Summer in Delaware
>Be going home from boardwalk at night (a 30-45 min drive home
>Be with brother and two cousins
>Be in car stuck in traffic
>Suddenly have to shit really bad
>Ask female cousin to pull over at gas station to use bathroom.
>Guy at gas station says they have no bathrooms
>Get back in car, very worried
>I know i cant possibly make it home,
>i need to shit somewhere along the way.
>No store in beach town seems to have a bathroom, yet at least 14 sunsations (its a beach store)
>Pull into second gas station.
>Run in and ask very politely if i can use the bathroom.
>Lady says no, the bathroom is for employees only.
>Tell lady that I must either use her bathroom or will shit pants.
>Other store patrons stare at me
>Bitch lady says sorry but she cant help
>Tell bitch lady ill give her $50 if she lets me use the bathroom.
>Take out wallet
>Bitch lady says no, i cant use her bathroom.
>bitch lady wont budge
>Give up, and run out of gas station, muttering curses under breath.
>Tell cousin to please hurry home, i need to use bathroom.
>Get out of the town, no businesses for miles, its marsh land.
>Breathing heavy, holding in shit has become very painful.
>Cousins are very concerned, ask me if i am okay.
>Tell them no, please hurry.
>Other cousin who is in medical school starts giving boring lecture about diabetes to calm me down. Helps slightly.
>Finishes lecture. little brother asks to hear one about effects of caffiene, cousin obliges.
>about to shit pants, pain coming in wave after wave.
>Tell cousin to stop the car and pull over, cousin refuses, were out in the middle of nowhere.
>Minute goes by, shout "STOP THE CAR!"
>Doctor cousin says to calm down.
>I repeat "STOP THE FUCKING CAR!"
>Car stops.
>We have reached an area surrounded by houses. Its dark out and there are trees and bushes everywhere.
>Doctor cousin asks, okay, this is a residential area, is this what you want?
Think for a monent, and say, "I guess so. Its either this or the car, so i dont have any choice."
>Fling door open, and waddle to bushes. >Walk to point where car view is obstructed by tree, in between group of bushes.
>Drop pants.
>Shit everywhere.
>Breathe sigh of relief. Pull pants back up, dont even bother thinking about wiping.
>Get back in car. Immediately after cousin starts driving, have to shit again, but worst of it is over
>Finally get home, run inside.
>Say hi to the 12 or so other family members.
>Hope no one smells the shit that is currently staining my underwear and jeans
>Run upstairs
>Drop on toilet
>Take huge, watery shit
>Shit profusely
>Turn on bathroom vent.
>Get in bathtub, and turn on water.
>Rinse shit off body.
>Its 11:30
>Realise everyone knows by now that i am washing shit off of myself.
>Pray to god that i didnt get any shit on the seat of my cousin's car.
>Towel off, and discover i havent cleaned off well enough yet.
>Spend about five minutes tping myself off.
>Rinse pants and underwear off in sink(not about to turn on bath faucet at what is now almost midnight)
>Wrap towel around myself, and walk to throw soiled clothes down laundry shoot.
>Walk into bedroom and put on new underwear and sweatpants.
>Go to bed embarrassed.
>Wake up next morning.
>Fully realize gravity of what happened
everyone pretends that last night did not occur.
>2 years later, post on 4chan

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Saved by George Carlin

>be me
>in an back alley before I start my day of soul-sucking bullshit in a windowless building facilitated by the American Public School system
>smoking the devil's lettuce
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>with friends
>all taking hits of the wacky tobaccy
>all get a terminal case of the fuck arounds
>make jokes about lynching coons and jews a' burnin'
>top tier keks
>tubby friend's eye begins to twitch
>"you ok man?"
>releases a excruciating screech
>removes mask
>reveals Chanity Binx in disguise 
>ohshitnigger.jpg
>"CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGES, SHITLORDS"
>knocks all unconscious with her arm rolls
>wake up with massive headache
>feelsbadman.jpg
>all of my friends naked, upside down, and chained to the wall from our ankles
>Binx, surrounded by other landwhales licks their lips cravingly, penis blood from other victims still abroad their faces
>thisistheend.jpg
>suddenly boom
>George Carlin busts in to save the day
>hollers "Alright, which one of you little cupcakes wants to come home, cook me a nice meal and give me a blowjob?!"
>herd of hambeasts repelled 
>FINISH THEM
>uses rape joke
>it was very effective
>herd dissolves into giant puddle of excess skin, dyed hair, and pronouns
>unties us 
>tells us to hop on his back
>flies us to comedy heaven
>meet Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor there
>all perform live that night
>feelsgoodman.jpg

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Summer Camp

> summer camp, 5 years ago
> be fifteen
> its a guys only camp, but there is a girl only camp about three miles away
> im a senior camper, meaning i have a bunch of privileges and shit the others dont 
> there is a female senior camper, lets call her Morgan
> she comes up and says hi to me on the first day
> throughout the first week (of a two month camp), she is constantly talking 
> she is pretty cute, id say 6.8/10
> then, it happens
> i am sitting at the lake
> she comes up and sits next to me
> awkwardly kisses me
> kiss back
> we spend about an hour at the lake
> she asks if i want to sneak out after dark
> we agree on a clearing about equal distance from both camps
> i sneak out of my cabin and to the clearing
> Morgan's waiting there
> start kissing again
> slid my hand into her pants
> try to finger her
> fail and painfully jab her vag
> she pulls away
> i apologize like a fucking beta
> she accepts, for some reason, and we proceed
> shes still really mad
>start kissing again
> shit gets really heavy
> it gets to the point where we are both naked
> shes been waiting for this
> morgan grabs my dick
> attempts to rip it out
> enraged, i grab a nearby tree branch (we were in a clearing)
> beat her with it
> go back to my cabin and go to sleep
> apparently morgan also returned to her cabin, but with a bunch of bruises
> never brought it up again
> overheard her tell her counselor that she has a problem with sleepwalking, and must have wondered out of her cabin and fallen down a hill
> mfw

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O'boy

>Be 9 year old me
>Have a bad stomach for 2 weeks
>Doctors say I might be allergic to milk
fuckthat.jpg
>I love O'boy (chocolate milk) and will never stop drinking it
>Wake up one morning with extreme stomach pain
>Spend entire morning on toilet
>No more pains thank god
>Go out for breakfast, make tuna toast for me and my 5 year old bro
>Fucking delicious, but something is missing
>I crave O'boy now, my earlier stomach pains are completely forgotten
>Mmmmh fucking O'boy man
>A few hours pass, playing mario kart with brother
>He sucks, I'm laughing at him, although he's only 5, he should know how to throw bananas
>Laughing really hard by now, can't breath
>mfw he's driving the wrong direction
>I win the round, waiting for everyone to end the lap
>5 year old bro haven't even driven his first lap yet
>My sides are now sprawling on the floor
>I get this brilliant idea to fart in his face (done this many times before)
>I pull down my underwear and put my ass-cheeks towards his face
>Let out a huge fart
>Fart is followed by liquid shit
>My peacefully playing brother is now getting sprayed with shit
>A few seconds pass, bro looks like he's about to cry
>Suddenly he screams louder than I've heard anyone scream before
>Dad heard the scream
>He comes in and sees his youngest kid sprayed with shit, crying
>I stand there without underwear, shocked
>Dad pukes
>Lil' bro is crying
>I began to cry
>Grounded for 2 weeks
I haven't drank O'boy ever since, although I'm not allergic to milk.

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Sex Ed

> grade 5 / 11 years old
> bit fat, not many friends but other kids tolerate
> box at front of class for anon questions during sex Ed
> vas deferens
> fallopian tubes
> video designed to appeal to The Youth with fat lady casually discussing periods
> anon box is still at front of room

> thisismychance.bat

> write question using other hand so can't be traced
> "what does sex feel like?"
> risque, right?
> tell other boys about plot
> find out years later other boys had already started having sex, one had had a three some

> it's the day and teacher is answering all anon questions
> pulls them out one by one
> teacher is probably 59 and very Catholic lady
> sweating bullets to see the result

> questions start
> answers
> "if you think you might need deoderant, you need deodorant!"
> "the human male penis continues growing up until you're 21"
> "talk to your friends! It's important to find a bra that fits"

> my question is read
> "what does sex feel like?"
> some students gasp then laugh
> teacher moves on to next question without answering
> as class is packing up she and everyone who asked that question
> several people answer immediately that it was me, they sound kind of tired
> teacher says "oh anon"
> she puts hand on my shoulder
> she pulls me in for an embrace
> she sighs like I'm pathetic
> her arm flaps while she hugs me

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