>be me 19 yrs>work at shitty kiosk>get a text from this asian girl>been talking with her at school>7/10 pretty sweet kawaii.jpg>her name is Yu >ask if i wanna visit in the weekend>dont know how to respond>just looks at message>eating cereal out of box under the counter>after 2 hours i decide to write back>"sure, sounds great">fastforward: day before friday>she ask me to bring something to watch>tells me we got the house to ourselves>school bell rings>go home>look for something to watch>find dvd with a tv series on>its about pro football players wifes or something>get ready to go>at house>ring doorbell>Yu opens the door>wearing cute summer dress>house is huge>ornaments all over stereotypes.mp4>go into living room>we sit on the couch>give Yu the dvd>awkward silence>suddenly phone rings>look at screen>its work ohfuck.jpg>take it>its the manager>wants me to come in and finish someones shift>tell Yu ill swing by tomorrow>shitty kiosk>...
>be me>be 21>have a shitty figure but not too fat>on a flight to new york, going for a business conference>browsing 4chan>sees q t pi with an interesting greentext>interested so i attempt to ask her out on my nokia 2600>says no>find her phone number on fb >call her>"hello who is dis">/panic/>drops phone on floor>plane tilts suddenly to the side im sitting on>"hello? hello?">/extreme panic/>spaghetti falling out of my sleeves>pick up phone while bending over my enormous kneckbeard>"... hello babi">"how u get my number sik fuk">hold on for dear life as the plane approaches the city>everyone on plane is screaming>"whut es goin on anon">fuckmylife.jpg>sweat pouring down head>front of plane explodes>copious amounts of spaghetti falling on the floor>"honi i com 2 u on da other side">"nu nu pls no di i didn mean it">"is okie hunee - allahu akbar">tfw u committed 9/11
>be me>tech college because i'm stupid>crack addicts come to career development department because they're trying to get back on their feet>women always have really nice hair and skeletal faces>they're pretty sexy when their clothed>try picking them up, succeed on one, fuck her, never hear or see her again>succeed on a second one>go for anal, because what ever shes a crack whore who cares>thumb it for a bit and slide it in>first and last time i did anal, was probably just her, it felt like fucking a leather handbag filled with jelly>she's face down, but i hear moaning so i start going hard, sliding out sometimes but generally steady fucking>what i thought was moaning turns into audible crying, wailing>mad in the moment "are you serious?">She pulled away and yelled "I ALWAYS FUCK UUUUP">start feeling for her try to calm her down>after a few minutes of naked hugging and saying it's ok im here she tells me why shes worried>her last boyfriend broke up with her for spilling her coffee he bought her at starbucks>apparently hit her right there>2 other times she was engaged and they left her for other women>says she was in pain through the whole ass pounding but didn't want me to leave or get upset>tells me she cant handle making someone leave again
>tell her i won't leave, that i'll stay with her for a while
>spend the night, make her in a relationship with me on facebook to show her i'm "seriously not going to leave"
>her friends commenting within minutes she keeps showing me the comments
>she keeps hugging me telling me thank you and how much she loves me
>dont tell her i love her back but keep her calm with stuff like "it's my pleasure"
>next morning kiss her and tell her i'll see her soon
>get home, delete her number, block her on facebook, remove the relationship status post
>don't hear or see from her until return to tech
>see her everyday walking from classes for 2 weeks
>she looks at me when i don't look at her
>some days she tightens her mouth and begins to tear a little
>some days she just looks at the ground and hangs her head
>walks as close as possible to me without touching me everyday, but doesn't say a word
>she stops showing up mid semester
>worried because i haven't seen her, ask girls i 've seen her talking to
>they say they don't know where she went
>unblock her from facebook, no new posts since that day, a lot of friends saying they missed her and that they should hang out, no reply comments
>still don't know what happened to her
>think about her everyday, even more than my wife.
> be me> be 19> I first became a pokemon trainer when I was 12 years old. > My parents died when I was 14 due to a terrible Car accident. > I went to the Pokemon laboratory to visit Professor Rowan > Once there, I saw my childhood friend Dawn> She was picking her starter pokemon> She chose Piplup > I chose Turtwig> Dawn saw me and walked over to me> “Hey anon! Fancy seeing you here!”> “Yeah, I decided that I will become a trainer.”> “Hey anon my parents won’t be home till next week. You should come over.”> I knew what she was getting at but I wasn’t interested.
> Puberty didn’t hit Dawn well.
> This was evident due to the horrendous amount of acne on her face.
> And her very flat chest
> “Sorry Dawn I am really busy and I need to head back to Uncle Tom’s Cabin to start planning out my adventure.”
> “Oh...ok... well i guess some other time then...”
> As I walk through the forest to head back to the cabin, I hear noises coming from the trees and shrubs around me
> Figure it’s a pokemon so I prepare to catch my first pokemon
> I reach for the pokeball in my back pocket that professor Rowan gave me
> Then a green silhouette jumps out from the shrub and leaps at me.
> It was a pokemon I have never seen before> I reach for my pokedex > It tells me that it’s a Gardevoir> The Gardevoir begins to stare intensely at me> I get a terrible headache> begin to feel like my head is going to explode > suddenly goes away> I stare at the gardevoir speechless> My mind starts to wander >Suddenly notice the beauty in this Gardevoir> He is so comely> “I am a girl!” She says
> I was startled her mouth didn’t move
> Could she read my mind?
> “Of course I can!”
> But how?
> “I established a psychic link with you”
> “I have been searching years for a master and now I have found him”
> “I knew it was you once I saw you walking through this forest 7 years ago”
> “I have been watching over you from afar and protecting you”
> I was speechless, I didn’t know what to think
> “I know... This must be very shocking for you”
> “Come anon let’s talk more inside the cabin it is getting dark out”
>I gestured her inside Uncle Tom’s Cabin and showed her the way to my room> She follows me> I motion for her to sit on the bed beside me> She sits> “ Di...Did... you really mean what you said earlier?”> About what?> “When you said you thought I was comely...”> Of course, Gardevoir> You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen> “Tha...Thanks,” say says with a small blush.> Gardevoir begins to blush greatly
> She starts to shyly look at me
> She reaches for my hand
> I give it to her
> She puts my hand to her chest
> She moved my hand beside her heart in order to feel her cleavage
> It was delicate to the touch
> She leans in for a kiss
> I reciprocate the kiss
> It was a very long, wet kiss
> Her tongue caressed mine
> She then began to wear a seductive smile on her face.
> She got on her knees and unzipped my pants
> She began to caress my crotch
> She looks me in the eyes as she does this to me
> She brings me to almost climax but stops just before I reach my peak
> She looks at me lustfully and brings me close
> She whispers gracefully into my ear, “I need about tree fiddy”
> It was about that time I realized this Gardevoir was about 8 stories tall and a crustacean from the paleozoic era
> the goddamn loch ness monstah tricked had me again!
> Damn monster, I ain’t givin you no tree fiddy!
> I zip my pants, get up angrily and stomped out of the room
> Open the door
> Get on the floor
> Everybody walk the dinosaur
>Be me.>Be a scientist.>Working on advanced spacial transportation.>Teleportation, portals, wormholes, and shit.>Lovely 9/10 qt assistant.>Assistant=Testing rat for dangerous shit I dont want to do.>Four weeks into project that can instantly teleport mass from a chamber to anywhere in a 10 meter radius.>Assistant is still alive.>NewRecordMarioParty6.wav>More tests.>Trying to teleport through walls.>She gets in the chamber.>Open the sails and set compasses for the opposite side of a closed door.>Some warnings pop up.>Knew I shouldn't have used Linux.>Ignore them and smash the genaric big red tele button.>After lots of flashing lights, loud noices, and the smoke clears, I notice that she has somehow fused with the door.>She is still alive and perfectly functioning despite having a completelly wooden 2-inch wide midsection.>She is panicing and doesn't know what to do.>I tell her to remain calm and to let me handle the problem.>I then proceed to spend the next few hours walking through her frame making every possible sexual innuendo known to man.>Pic Related.>She now lives out her life as a door.>The end.
>talking to hot guy on skype>we exchange nudes>I get a huge as boner>fall asleep with boner after flirting>now I have a urinal tract infection>decide to jerk off>I can't stop leaking yellow cum>jerk off again>blood starts to cum out>my dick is purple like the Mc Nugget thing from Mc Donald's>it really hurts>get another boner thinking about chicken nuggets>go to Mc Donald's and get 50 Chicken Nuggets>start eating with a boner>use the barbecue sauce as lube and eat nuggets at the same time>cum more blood>I go to the doctor then while finishing my chicken nuggets>everyone looks at me odd like I'm a fag eating chicken nuggets in a doctors office>go back out to buy more nuggets>get 100 packs of 50>go back to office>bitch ass nugget party>we all start jerking off with our nuggets while cumming blood>start singing the Mc Donald's theme >black people then enter and rape us all and steal the nuggets like New York gang bangers >all my nuggets are taken while I cry as all my nuggets are now gone>jerk off and cry with all the dead people around me>my cum is dead>thanks Obama
> be me
> be sitting in art class
> random tard walks in let's call him ben
> tard is famous for being on the wrestling team
> Ben walks over to me and says "sup dude can I have a cheese stick"
> I say "no sorry I don't have one right now"
> ben gets angry
>rage mode activate
> "GIVE ME CHEESESTICK"
> I get up and walk away because I'm afraid of him shitting his pants on me (happened to someone before)
> ben walks up behind me and fucking RKOs me
> on the ground, trying to get free of his choke hold
> he must have put me in a sleeper because I closed my eyes and woke up with a legit paramedic at my side
> Ben is raging
> Ben walks up to art teacher "GIVE CHEESE"
> Fucking punches teacher in the jaw
> wrangler comes in
> get a hold of Ben but he's already shit himself
> black out again
> wake up in hospital
> doctor says I have a skull fracture from slamming my head and he almost bit my little finger off
> school gives us $ so we don't sue
> MFW
>Be me in highschool
>Beta doesn’t even begin to describe me
>My pockets were more productive than Strega Nona’s magic pot
>Constantly got bullied by this gorilla named Lawrence
>He’s neither a faggot nor a sailor but the quarterback (American football for the un-free)
>Everyone calls him the Law because he’s the big guy on campus
>One day on my way to trig Lawrence starts fucking with me
>His friends are egging him on
>He’s flicking my ear, shoving me and knocking books out of my hand
>This has been going on for about six months
>So I snapped
>I went full retard
>I challenge the six-foot two-hundred-pound 0% body fat quarterback to a fight with me, who makes the Endermen from Minecraft look morbidly obese
>He whoops my ass
>Everyone knows I challenged him so when the fight (if you can call him beating the shit out of me a fight) gets broken up he gets off scot-free
>The next day everyone’s talking about it
>”Anon fought the Law”
>I fought the Law and the Law won
>Be me
>Exchange student in England, for education and shit
>One day, meet girl
> Easily 9/10. Long brown hair, perfect teeth (somehow, considering Europoor), amazing eyes
>Go up to her, alpha as fuck, and ask her for a drink
>Laughs, and agrees to it
>We find nearest pub, and start drinking
>Date goes well, I learn more about her
>She would be 10/10, but he has this annoying chav habbit
>Sometimes says "Oi" when speaking
>Doesn't seem like a big deal, but grates on your nerves after awhile
>Years later, after my exchange, we move back to my home country
>Eventually, we get married
>Feelsgoodman.bit
>We get a house, and have kids soon thereafter
>2 kids: a boy and a girl
>Raise them well, and try to teach both my wife's and my culture
>Annoyingly, the one thing they pick up is her habit of saying "Oi"
>Fuuuuck me
>Make sure household is strict
>Kids start to refer to me as "sir", but still retain an amazing relationship
>Eventually wife starts becoming distant
>Leaves home constantly, acts dodgy when asked why
>Alarms go off in my head
>Go to nearest electronic store
>Blow my kids' college fund on cameras
>Literally hundreds of fucking cameras
>GonnaCatchThisBitch.wmv
>Get home, set up cameras everywhere
>A few days pass, but no proof yet
>Wife stays out longer and longer as the days pass
>Forced to take care of kids
>Literal fucking torrent of "Oi, sir!"s directed at me
>One day, the fish takes the bait
>Find proof that wife is cheating on me, with her boss
>Feelsbadman.jpg
>Start bawling uncontrollably
>Go to confront her about it next day
>She sees the video, and starts to cry
>Not because she cheated on me
>Because of my obsession with trying to catch her
>Realize that in my zeal, I've become obsessed
>She looks my right in the eyes
>"Anon, tell me. Tell me what the fuck your life has become."
>A tear creeps from my eyes
>My mouth can hardly form the words that now define my existence
>I manage to stutter out
>"Oi sirs. Cams. And cuckolds."
>birthday>tell family I don't want to do anything special>they know I hate being the center of attention and flounder badly in social situations of any kind>force me to go out for dinner with them>go to restaurant>8 family members in total including me>everyone talks among themselves animatedly during the meal>nobody talks to me during the meal despite the occasion ostensibly being my birthday>sit quietly and eat my meal>feel uncomfortable that I am so obviously not fitting in>mother and step-dad fighting and being passive aggressive to each other>mother drinking too much>meal nearly finished up>happy that I'll be able to go home soon>suddenly our waiter appears>he's carrying a cake>whole restaurant's wait-staff is accompanying him singing "Happy Birthday">rest of the restaurant all look around and some tables join in, looking at me and singing>he puts the cake down in front of me>it's a custom-made cake that my mother has requested to be made for me>cake is adorned with a lone, glum, pale figure hunched over an inedible plastic computer meant to represent me>drunk mother laughing heartily>try my best to put on a smile so as to not appear rude>everyone takes picture of the cake next to me>family forces me to cut the cake>they laugh at me for "cutting the cake weird"; "haha look at how he cuts the cake">meal ends>go homePic related; it's the cake.
