>be me
>have the day off tomorrow and kinda tired after a tough week so I call my dealer for some 420
>meet dealer, make the switch, no problem
>Weed (2,5grams) is wrapped in tinfoil and smells heavenly!
>have a hapit of putting it under my nutsack in case of pigs.
>get home
>upon reaching my front door I realize I have to poop.... real bad!
>frantically get the door open.
>run to the toilet
>ass planted on the toilet seat.
>pure liquid diarrhea,
>feel massive relief,
>suddenly realise I forgot to take out the weed.
>it's not in my underwear around my ankles..
>look down.
>the weed (still in the tin foil) is floating in my fluid poop in the toilet bowl.
>I try to fish it up with a big pom-pom of toilet paper but end up just pushing it further into the pit of hell
>give up and decide to man up and pickit up with my bare hands.
>I grab it and throw it into the sink and quickly rinse it with water and liquid soap. all this with my pants around my ankles and watery shit dripping from my asshole and down my leg.
>I shower and clean myself up
>check weed and it's fine, no trace of poop, not even smell.
>smokin that shit right now as I'm writing this.
>I'm not a robot.
>Be me
>Be living in a shitty flat with girlfriend
>Decide to buy a dog
>Usually a cat person but this dog is the shit
>I work day shifts girlfriend works nights
>End up spending more time with dog
>Dog is my bro
>3yearslater.txt
>One night I arrange to go to a pub with some friends
>Girl will be at work so dogbro gets house to himself
>I arrive at the pub
>pub is the shit without the "the"
>It's Saturday so pub is quite rowdy
>Start first round of beers
>Shit tear beer but enjoying the company
>Turns out it's karaoke night and my friend put me on the roster
>Start freaking out coz I can't fucking sing, I'm gonna need a lot more beer for this
>Buy a jug of beer and chug the whole thing in under 20 seconds
>Immediately start feeling dizzee (I didn't eat beforehand)
>Shit I'm up!
>Friend hands me some rum on the rocks and I down it like a shot
>Friend pretty much throws me onstage
>Drunk as fuck but it's making me reckless
>Not sure what song I sang but I belted that shit out
>Strained my voice so hard I projectile puked on half the patrons
>Get kicked out of bar but still hyped as fuck
>Home is only a few houses down so I start walking, taking several piss breaks on the way...
>Finally make it home but by now I'm hungry
>By this point I'm smashed as fuck
>Front door is locked so I go round back
>Dogbro is chilling with his bowl of food
>Fuck man give me some
>Scoop a handfull into mouth and immediately cringe at the taste
>mfw pet food can't help meal needs
>Fuck I need real food
>I need a fucking steak
>Dogbro is looking pretty fine right now
>Lean in and take a massive bite
>Dogbro screams in pain
>Blood sprays out like aerosol
>Covers me and the back porch in red
>It starts drying and caking to my face
>"Shit dogbro I'll get you a bandaid!"
>Stand up and twist the knob on the backdoor
>mfw it opens
>Turns out girlfriend had a migraine and never went to work, was there the whole time
>She hears me enter and runs downstairs
>Sees me standing in the doorway looking like something out of a horror movie
>Sees blood on my face
>Sees dogbro crying in a puddle of blood
>Girlfriend starts shouting at me and beating me
>At this point my head is in full spin and I'm too drunk to react to anything
>I just lie down on the carpet as my Girlfriend punches and kicks at me
>I eventually pass out
>We break up and after a court case she ends up keeping the flat and dogbro
TL;DR Opened the door, got on the floor, girlfriend took the Labrador.
>Be me
>Be 14 in 8th grade
>Have glasses, style my hair with it pushed back, wear button up shirts, and always wear my retainer
>Have like 3 friends who I don't even really like, they're just losers like me so we kinda stick together
>I don't get bullied, but I don't talk to anyone really
>In English and there's this guy
>His name is Matt
>Matt hit puberty first so he's kind of the alpha
>Super tall, deep voice and has the skater hair look
>Grills don't really find him attractive, but dude's are intimidated by him because he's so much bigger
>In reality he's just this lurchy white kid who will later become a loser
>Matt knows this, so he's basking in the glory in the now
>Anyways, one day Matt says something really fucking dumb and I make a snarky remark insulting him and the entire class laughs
>Matt is not happy
>On my way to lunch I'm just kind of minding my own business
>Get in the long ass line for some pizza
>In front of me is Matt
>Matt turns around and spots me
>"So you think you're really fucking funny Anon?"
>wat.mp3
>"Oh, earlier? Nah I was just making a joke."
>"Fuck you dude. You're fucking pathetic. And your breath stinks!"
>14 year old mind searches for comeback
>"Yeah? Well my breath stinks from eating your Mom's pus out so much"
>Fucking nailed it
>Really hot girl behind me laughs really hard
>Makes me really hard
>Matt is threatened
>Matt is baffled so he does the first thing he can think of
>Matt spits his fucking gum right at my face
>Hits my cheek and bounces onto the floor
>People notice and know shit is about to go down
>I'm pissed
>But I'm also a beta
>"Fuck you Matt."
>Walk off and sit in the bathroom shaking angry
>Matt has always fucked with other kids, but me? I've never been bullied before. I don't really know how to handle this.
>That one incident is still the only time I was bullied, besides shitty remarks mocking from Matt that same year, so we fast forward to my senior year
>Dwell on how Matt treated me like such a beta, literally do everything the next four years to better myself
>Only wear retainer when sleepy time, learn how to style my hair better, get a better taste in clothes and find a pair of glasses that really fits me
>Not popular, but I have lots of friends from different cliques so I'm really happy
>Actually getting girls now and am actually funny
>Since then, everyone else has "matured"
>Matt is no longer special
>Matt has like, four friends whom are all freshman
>Matt doesn't get fucked with, but everyone hates him and finds him annoying because we all realize how awkward he is
>Although my "social status" is far greater than his, I'm still a broken boy on the inside from the gum incident
>Me and Matt haven't talked once in high school
>It's gearing up towards the end of the year, so there are a lot of parties happening
>There is one party that stands out the most
This is the night I get my revenge on Matt.
>Friday night and Spring is finally upon us
>Girls are wearing slutty clothes, guys are feeling ballsier than usual, it's a perfect mixture of hormones and substances to create a dangerous mix
>So I get to this party and it's pretty early
>Meet up with some bros and we're just hanging out in the living room having drinks and just talking about college, summer plans and girls we're trying to hookup with
>I'm currently pursuing a junior, we'll call her Allie.
>Allie is 5'2 with a huge ass and C cups. She's blonde and tan. She's a goddess in the eyes of many, and my Blink-182 Facebook statuses are what snagged her interest
>I text her and ask her to come out, she says she'll come out later and she's excited for tonight
>I might get laid tonight and I'm with good company, the night is already shaping to be a good one
>I'm laughing and polishing off my beer when I see it
>There at the doorway
>There's fucking Matt
>More and more people start showing up and people are starting to get drunk
>It's actually turning into a really cool night
>We're outside on the back porch drinking when I notice Allie had arrived
>She spots me from the doorway and waves
>She does her rounds saying hi to everyone when she finally makes it outside
>She comes up to me and gives me a hug and says he to everyone
>"Hey Allie!! How've you been?? I haven't seen you in a while!" screeches Matt
>"Oh, hey Matt." she says reluctantly
>I offer her my unopened beer and make my way inside to get another
>Behind me I hear Matt ask Allie "So why haven't you text me back lately??"
>"Sorry, my phone's broken."
>I laugh to myself
>Fast forward into the night
>Allie is doing some shit with her girl friends while the guys are in the garage
>Someone brought weed and their pipe so we start smoking
>"So Matt, what's up with you and Allie? Tryna get with her?"
>"I don't know man! She's really cute but I think she's prude or something because she's really distant!"
>I lel
>I take a hit and pass it to Matt, who at this point, is getting pretty fucked
>"I've never smoked before!! Does it hurt?!"
>"No Matt, marijuana doesn't hurt."
>Matt proceeds to take the biggest hit I have ever seen
>Matt instantly vomits on the ground
>We all groan at the party foul Matt is committing
>Matt has to ask the girl who lives in this house where her cleaning stuff is and gets yelled at and ridiculed for throwing up
>It's really funny and I feel my soul begin to repair from his previous harassment
>I'm not done yet
>Go back upstairs and I'm feeling pretty gone
>Meet back up with Allie and we play beer pong with some other people
>She keeps touching my arm and leaning against me
>Shit's playful and cute
>At one point I grab her ass and notice Matt staring at me. He finishes off his beer and walks away
>Later in the night and shit's starting to slow down
>People are either hooking up, passing out, or going home
>Don't see Matt anywhere so I figure he went home
>Me and Allie are getting handsy when I ask her if we should go into one of the rooms
>She agrees
>Allie is a dumby when she's drunk
>We go into the first available room. Before I can turn on the lights, Allie see's that it's a bunkbed
>She instantly climbs onto the top bunk
>I smile and look at the bottom bunk
>There's Matt sleeping on the bottom bunk
>Holy.
>Fucking.
>Shit.
>I'm going to fuck the girl Matt likes with him in the same room
>I jump onto the top bunk from the bottom bunk
>Me and Allie start getting into it pretty hard
>I'm grabbing her ass and playing with tits
>I'm literally doing as much as possible to make her moan at the top of her lungs
>Go down on her and she starts moaning my name
>Get a blowjob that's pretty cash for high school
>Get ontop of her and start giving her the business
>Getting real loud and physical
>Tell her the only way I can cum is if she says my name, tell her it's an ego thing
>She's cool with it and keeps saying my name
>Last probably 15 minutes before I pull out and bust all over her
>We end up wiping the cum off of her with her underwear
>I wad it up and throw it down below
>Put a little twist into the throw so I know it'll land on the bottom bunk
>Pass out with a naked girl in my arms
>Fall asleep with a smile on my face
The Next Morning
>I wake up and instantly realize what all had transpired last night
>Literally hop off the bed naked to see if Matt's still there
>The blankets are pulled apart, showing someone had been sleeping there
>Cum panties are now across the room caught in the blinds, as if they were thrown
>Get dressed and go out into the disaster zone of a living room
>Ask the girl who threw the party what had happened to Matt
>She tells me he left really early without talking to anyone
>Looked sick apparently
>I can't stop smiling
>Go wake up Allie and tell her I'm going home
>Kiss her goodbye
>Tell my bros I'll see them later
>Drive home with a smile
I'd occasionally see Matt in the hallways for the rest of the semester, but he'd never make eye contact with me. Me and Allie ended up dating for two years when we decided we couldn't make long distance work from going to separate universities. What I did is fucked up, I know, and I probably went overboard. I don't feel bad though. It's still one of the highlights from high school.
>be me
>little grill just tryna enjoy an acid trip
>somewhat experienced so i know what to expect
>lays on bed and feel a weird building up sensation
>everything gets dizzy and i dont know whats going on
>vision where did you go
>feel a burst and a sudden rush through my body
>jump out of bed freaked out as fuck
>my entire right side of body is numb and weak
>what the fuck just happened
>this isnt acid what
>texts friend
>known him for years, trusts him
>"um i feel like something exploded inside me should i call an ambulance?"
>"no dude youre fine. its prob just the acid"
>but i feel so weird
>fuck you
>asks father to take me to hospital
>cant explain what just happened my mind is scrambled
>my dumb ass thought it was my stomach acting up
>doctors check for stomach issues and nothing
>go home and sleep
>week and a half goes by and ive dropped 2 more times since then and havent had the same problem
>still numb and weak on right side of my body
>headaches coming and going
>goes on a long walk today and right side of body starts to hurt
>i just want the right side to feel like my left again :((
>asks dad to take me to doctor
>have to wait until monday to schedule appointment
>its fryday (ayy)
>fuck it why not google it then
>everything matches up for a transient ischemic attack
>did i have a mini stroke
>asks same friend about it
>"I FUCKIN KNEW IT"
>WHAT THE FUCK MAN YOU TOLD ME I WAS FINE
>kinda convinced it was
>gonna ask father to buy me asprin when he wakes up
>tfw you have a stroke but it wasnt that serious
>go to see ant man by myself because no friends or gf
>buy ticket online
>go to theater and buy 2 sodas and popcorns
>pretend to wait by the concession stand for someone else
>check broken CASIO watch every few minutes
>bring refreshments with me into the theater in the middle of previews
>theater is crowded
>only seats available is in the middle surrounded by couples and groups of friends
>put soda and popcorn in seat next to me pretending to reserve it
>take out my phone and browse /tv/ while waiting
>movie about to start
>couple sits two seats down and stares at me
>say "my gf's running a bit late hehe" they just look at me weird
>mom in front of me starts glancing at me and whispering to her husband
>husband looks up at me for a bit and shakes his head
>movie starts
>start eating and drinking
>everything going okay but keep getting glances
>movie is okay
>about 20 minutes later guy behind me kicks my headrest and asks if I'm alone
>"n-no my gf's on her way"
>10 minutes later he kicks my headrest again and shouts "THIS GUY'S ALONE"
>movie is paused and lights come on
>everyone staring and yelling at me
>get up to leave and guy behind me grabs me
>guy next to me pins me down
>another guy comes up and flicks lit matches at me while yelling "loser"
>want to die
>security comes and throws me on the ground
>floor is sticky
>puts cuffs on me
>start dragging me out
>everyone cheers
>guy who was behind me says "FORGOT YOUR 'GF'S FOOD LOSER" and throws the soda and popcorn on me
>security officers laugh everyone applauds
>dragged into the parking lot
>police standing there to take me into custody
>on the way to a cruiser I trip
>get tasered for resisting arrest
>hold me for 48 hours
>due in court on the 5th
>I just wanted to see ant man
>I just want to be like everyone else
>be me>be summer of 6th grade>be super chubby>get invited over to friend hot tub party>friend was a qt3.14 and I was excited>go out and buy new swimsuit >made sure to tell mom it has to be tony Hawk>fucking loved tony hawk but didn’t like skating at all>be day of partyFuckyeah.jpg>get to friends house>only see qt3.14>”hey anon, I’m going to get changed, you’re early. Go wait in the hot tub”>think I have her all to myself>go out to the back yard and get into hot tub>have super idea of taking off shorts to impress hotty with my confidence since it would only be us>settle into hot tub naked, push bubble jets button>sexy bitch opens sliding door and pokes her head out>”oh good, you’ve already started the bubbles. Come on everyone, anon has it all set”>rest of friends rode in one carShittinginthehotwater.mov>everyone gets into tub and starts doing stupid kid shit>splashing, kicking, screaming and the such>I join in the fun but keep lower body under the foam >excitement wears down and everyone sits back and talks>no one has noticed I’m naked yetSpoketoosoon.mp3>The bubble timer stops and the foam dissipates>suddenly realizing they will find out>qt3.14 looks over at me and screams>”EEWWW! ANON ARE YOU NAKED?!” >everyone looks at me>everyone freaks out and runs inside to tell her mom>mfw I’m alone in the hot tub naked>mfw they never let it down>mfw they tell everyone at school
>be me >sign up for a computer programming Course at the nearby college>don’t really know all that much about computers outside of Word and Power Point>don’t know anything about coding>told my friends I was going to school to be a hacker>they thought it was bad ass>literally only know how to use MS word and a little bit of Excel>take course anyways because Zuckerburg >first day >Intro to C+>teacher asks if anyone in the class has a coding background>everyone in the god damn class shoots their hands up>I impulsively put my hand up, but I was super late putting my hand up>very noticeably late>teacher looks right at me >proceeds to ask me some question about code or some shit>this was within 10 mins of being in this class and already on my ass>have no idea what to say>teacher says something mildly funny (“cat got your tongue” or some bullshit like that) >class erupts in laughter>he asks me what my name is>thought I would be able to ride his humor train to station>”Just call me The Big Cheese”>class goes silent>no one says a word for a legit 5 seconds>no one knows what just happened>teacher is trying to hide his cringes for me>tells me it is nice to meet me>feel like the biggest faggot alive>just made a group of 50 people cringe simultaneously >no one ever recovers
>be me>16 y/o fat neckbeard loner>spend summer playing video games and smoking weed while parents are at home and little bro is out playing with his friends>be sunday>parents are at home and are nagging me about how i never go out and shit>literally kick me out of the house and tell me to not come back till i find some friends>fuck around the neighbourhood a bit till i find little bro and his mates>they play hide and seek, i join because why not>me an some other fag are seeking>look around everywhere, cant find them>suddenly come across a group of 9/10 girls around my age just chilling in front of the block>as we pass by, one of them asks me if we are looking for a bunch of kids that went that way>shit, play it cool!>"nah, we are just fucking around till we find them">group of girls starts giggling, one of them says im cute>im 2/10, fat skinhead neckbeard but im too socially awkward to realize shes joking>turn around>"this is not even my final form!">group if girls starts laughing>realize what had just happened>start running towards home>spaghetti falls out of pocket>slip and fall on spaghetti>upon falling, break my nose>theres blood and spaghetti everywhere>get up and keep running towards home>burst through front door and run to room>mom comes in and finds me curled up in the fetal position covered in blood, sweat, tears and spaghetti>asks me what happened>"this is not even my final form, mom..."
