>go to Germany, first time in Europe
>plane lands, i applaud
>in german airport, take off pants, shoes, leave 3oz sample of blood, semen in quart sized ziploc
>"Sir, you dont need to do that, just walk through the metal detector"
>"sorry, nicht spriche deutsch"
>"Sir, i am speaking english"
>go directly through metal detector, do not get iradiated, do not get groped
>tip the security guard 5 euro because that is the smallest paper money
>Spend the first day in Frankfurt, it's a great city
>walk to train station
>lots of foreigners around, can't hear any english
>walk with hand in back pocket to protect wallet
>keep other hand in side pocket to protect phone
>unable to operate the ticket machine. Language options are union jack, deutsch flag and france
>get on train without ticket
>gestapo officers in uniform come up to me
>"Morgen, karte bitte"
>"I'm not Morgan"
>"Apologies. Good morning, ticket please"
>"Nicht spriche deutsch"
>"Sir, I speak english"
>cant understand his crazy nazimouth, tip him 30 euro to leave me alone
>he tips me back for being a cool American
>Train arrives in Munich. Begin applauding
>nobody claps, don't want to ruin my solid American applause
>tip every passenger for letting me solo
>get rental car
>too many pedals
>walk to McDonalds to order Double Quarter Pounder
>fucking idiot gives me wrong meal, end up with Hamburger royale kasse
>only tip him 30%
>use burger to weigh down extra pedal
>car rolls backwards into river
>applaud the whole way in
