>just moved out to uni
>beta faggot who played nothing but WoW in highschool, all my friends were online
>I've got my own place now so I invite the ones in state over
>only one guy shows up, he's the size of a flatbed at Costco
>says he drove 3 hours to be here, wants to crash for the weekend
>"dude i brought my laptop let's pug a raid"
>alright whatever, my roommates haven't showed up yet and i'd just be bored alone anyway
>about 30 minutes later he wants to order pizza
>i mentioned that i had prepared some food for the party i was only half expecting, i didn't want pizza
>dude orders literally 5 pizzas, cheesesticks, a 2L of mountain dew, and a dessert
>sets up camp on my couch, turns on adult swim and logs on WoW with the food next to him
>I play halfheartedly with him for a few hours, then say i'm going to bed
>he's decimated the cheesesticks, dew, and about half the pizza alone
>w/e he paid for it
>tell him he can crash on the couch, but he should probably think about hitting the road in the morning
>wake up the next morning, around 11
>figured he'd be gone, since i really did hint to him that i wasn't down for him staying the weekend
>wander out to the living room
>he's asleep on the floor, looks like a massive puddle of flesh
>he pushed the coffee table into the kitchen i guess for room
>take a look around, my place is trashed
>pizza boxes and wrappers everywhere
>chip bags, snack wrappers, it looked like a movie theater after a midnight showing
>slowly realize this is all my snacks and shit
>dude fucking raided my kitchen, cleaned me out
>notice the mountain dew bottle is full again
>i've-gotta-know.jpeg
>take a whiff of the bottle, it's fucking piss
>go into kitchen, survey the damage
>all the leftovers i prepped were gone, as well as all my chips and soda etc
>what's that smell?
>there's shit in the sink
>i'm mad, go back out to living room to wake him up
>ask him what the fuck?
>'dude i didn't know where your bathroom was and i didn't want to wake you up'
>so you thought you'd take a dump in my sink?
>then i bring up the fact that he ate all my food, and trashed my living room
>he shrugs, says he's a big guy and needed gamer fuel since i abandoned him playing WoW
>i ask him to leave again, the food was one thing but the shit and piss really got me
>he says he wants to go to breakfast first, offers to take me since he ate all my food
>sigh, ok man, where you you wanna go
>KFC
>i guess it is closer to lunch than breakfast, so that's fine i just want him gone
>we arrive, he goes through the drivethrough and says he wants to eat in the car
>the trash in the car is pretty telling of how often he does this
>orders like 3 meals, large soda, a dessert thing
>i watch him wolf all of this down, coughing the entire time
>we're talking casually about WoW, when he starts fucking choking on fried chicken
>i'm freaking out, he's not clearing whatever he's choking on and his face is turning white
>get out of the car, go around to the driver's side and try to pull him out
>guy is immobile, i'm a skeletor i can't fucking get a grip on his slimey arm much less pull him out
>call 9-11, he's still coughing and all sorts of crap is streaming out of his face
>dispatcher tells me to keep trying to move him, or get the seat laid down so he isn't squashed by the wheel
>he stops coughing, gets really quiet
>oh shit
>i'm freaking out, still trying to pull him out
>can't put the seat back because of the enormous mountain of trash in the back
>EMTs show up
>takes 3 guys to get him out of the seat onto a stretcher
>do CPR and EMT stuff, he's gone kiddo
>getting asked all sorts of questions
>try explaining his relation to me as friend, despite not knowing anything about him
>i don't even know his real name fuck
>finally get back home, the police are handling it
>i get to clean up the shit sink and pizza box living room
>mfw he was the guild master
